today was tough.  one of the toughest so far.

yesterday hospice gave me a list of things i needed to think about and/or get done before mom passes away.

i debated all day whether to share this part of my day on the blog today – but ultimately i decided i’m blogging for myself and i’m going to want to look back on these days someday and re-read my heart.  my raw emotion and how these days truly went down.  and so – i hope you can hang.  cuz it’s about to get weird.

one of the things on the list was to meet with a funeral home and start pre-planning her funeral.  i gave the one i wanted to work with a call yesterday and told them what was going on and asked for an appointment fully expecting them to tell me to come in a couple weeks later… that wasn’t the case.  they offered an appointment for today and i took it.  it. was. weird.

i left the kids with kev and headed into the funeral home.  it was quiet and dark.  no one was at the front desk so i slowly crept in a little further before mustering up the courage to quietly whisper yell, “uhhhh… hello?”  i was greeted very warmly and ushered into the planning room.  we went over mom’s information and i chose a vault and a casket.  i came home with a list of things that need to be addressed, including several questions that i never would have considered that i can just ask mom about.  because – she’s still here.

when my dad died i had about 4 days to get everything together.  it was 4 very emotional and very busy days.  i decided i’d like to get things started now so that when the time comes – it’ll be done and i can focus on saying goodbye rather than deciding all these details.  i’m not going to lie though – it was VERY hard.  things came up in the meeting that i had not even remotely considered and quite frankly – it was sooo surreal sitting there planning the details while she was still alive.  it felt like i was giving up all hope and completely throwing in the towel.  in reality though, i was just trying to be responsible and guard my heart as best as i can.  i told you a little yesterday – but in these last couple days my “to-do” list was very, VERY small and i had a little time to let this all settle in and i can’t let that happen.  not right now.  i’m not ready.  so i had to take this step so that i could add 10 million more things to my list so that i could keep on down this “i’m too busy to deal with the fact my mom’s about to kick the bucket” path i’ve been walking on for the last 9 months.

all in all – it was a successful meeting and i got a lot accomplished so that i know what to expect and so that i can go over some hard stuff with mom and make sure i can make sure what she wants to happen – happens.

i was shaking as i walked out of the funeral home.  it was just so surreal.  and… hard.  as i walked out to my car i silently prayed to God – “please… please send help.  i’m about to lose it.  I’M GOING TO GIVE UP.  give me courage.  give me strength.”  i started to cry as i started the car and this song was playing on the radio:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtSKzHxVqxQ

whether you are religious or not – you can’t deny that this is crazy, right?  well – i know God and i know he’s been with me every. single. step.  he’s been SO present in my life in the last couple weeks.  more so than EVER.  and i’m so grateful.  because honestly – i was about to go off the deep end.  all it took was this one little song for me to remember that i’m not alone.  not even in a cold, quiet dark funeral home.

today wasn’t all bad either.  after that was over i came home and spent some time with my family.

then tonight i went to visit mom and we had a really great time.  she fell this morning and bonked her head pretty good.  she’s got a big scrape and she’ll have a big bruise from her eyebrow to the middle of her cheek – but she says she’s ok.  gah… it’s heartbreaking.

at dinner we decided we’d make a bucket list we’re going to check off in the next, well – however long we have left.  wanna see it?  it was hilarious to make.  we laughed and laughed.

sandra jo’s bucket list:

• see the ocean (uhhh, check?  lol)
• put my feet in the sand
• see yellowstone
• go to the movie theatre and watch a scary movie and eat popcorn
• buy a BUCKET of sacry popcorn at the sacry theater in whitehall.  extra butter and no salt.
• have a beer + clamato juice
• go on a harley ride
• have my hair done at a fancy pants salon
• have kenzie paint my nails
• ride in a hot air balloon
• get “property of big bubba” tattooed on my butt
• have a GIANT 59th harley themed birthday party
• stay alive until thanksgiving
• stay alive until christmas
• go eat at the chinese buffet
• make a painting with nora
• go to the children’s museum with nora and grant
• eat a piece of plain cheesecake
• eat spagetti at johnny carinos
• visit the chocolate moose candy store with nora and grant
• have kenzie make deviled eggs

we start working on these tomorrow.  it’s going to be really fun.  you’ll see.  i’m gonna blog that butt tattoo.  so get ready for THAT interwebz.  lolz.

until tomorrow,

*m