today was… rough.

the kids didn’t sleep well last night.  g-mack-a-doodle is sick and nora overheard me telling someone that kevin would have died if he hadn’t have been wearing his helmet.  during our nightly prayers she asked, “mommy – did daddy almost die?”  awww crap.  i’ve been doing SO well shielding her from all of this.  i decided to tell her the truth and stress the importance of a helmet and tell her how smart her daddy was for putting it on.  “well – he could have honey.  but he didn’t.  because daddy wore his helmet and he is so very smart for doing that.  God makes our bodies to heal – and daddy’s ouchies are getting better everyday.  don’t you worry about him.  he’s tough.  like really tough.  spiderman tough.”  she brought both her little hands up to her face and covered her eyes and started to cry.  she said, “oh my gosh mommy.  i didn’t even know dat happened to daddy.  why didn’t you tell me?  i didn’t even know dat happened to my daddy.”  gah.  broke my heart.  she’s SO sensitive and compassionate.  and my oh my – that little girl LOVES her daddy.  so she cried – all night.  the kind of cries where she is sleeping – but crying.  i was up with her every 45 minutes all night.  it was terrible.  🙁

when daylight broke and it was finally time for all of us to just get up – the day started out great.  we hung out together.  we laughed and we just enjoyed each other.  we ate breakfast and i put g-mack to nap.  nora came into kev and i’s room to watch super why and i helped kev take a shower.  when he got out – i noticed it.  his eyes were crazy.  he had googly eyes.  one was huge – the other – teeny tiny.  it was scary.  super. scary.  i remember reading in the discharge paperwork that this was of major concern and a symptom we were to immediately return to the ER for.  when i told kev – he downplayed it and insisted that i call the doctor in billings  just to make sure.  he was tired and had already missed his morning nap.  so – i did.  while i was on hold with the receptionist i walked into the computer room and googled “one eye dilated one eye not.”  umm yah… BIG.  MISTAKE.  the interwebz = doomsday.  for any and all situation. no one writes about the time it all worked out.  all that’s out there is the time everyone and their brother and their brother’s dog almost died.  or did die.  or surely will die soon.  gah.

about that time the neurosurgeon’s nurse came on the line, “yes – you need to return to the ER immediately.  and whatever you do mckenzie, don’t let him go to sleep.”

my heart sank.  she wouldn’t give me anything else.  just get your butts in there.  now.  so i walked out of the computer room into the living room where kev was sitting in the recliner – eyes closed.  oh fark.  i was scared.  “kev?”  i said.  nothing.  “KEV?!”  his eyes opened and i told him that we needed to go in.  he wasn’t happy.  at all.

i tried to call jos to come and get the kids – but women’s conference is going on at church right now.  and she just had them for 4 days.  (she totally would have come.  but i was feeling a little guilty… alas)  so i called my neighbor – she was out.   crap.  starting to panic a little bit.   so i called my friend abby who happens to live on my route to the hospital and she told me she’d watch them.  {thank you abby.  you are amazing.  and i ADORE you.  thank you for being so wonderful to my kids.}

i dropped off the kids and we headed in.

we walked into the ER and the tech started checking us in and i just couldn’t help it.  i started to cry.  like a crazy person.  big tears and boogers running down my face.  it was gorgeous, i’m sure.   i managed, “i’m sorry.  we’ve just been through SO much in the last couple days.”  :banghead:

they had us in a room within minutes.  doctors and nurses alike came in to the room to put kev through all kinds of questions.  “is your vision blurry?  double vision?  do you have a headache?”  then we went back to, “what’s your name?  date of birth?  do you know where you are?”  my heart SANK.  that feeling of losing him came back with a vicious flood of emotions.  i tried so hard to keep my crap together for kev – but it was hard.  i thought we were through the real badness of this situation.

“please… please don’t die.  i need you.”  yep – i told him that.  i was becoming desperate the longer we sat in that room.  he said, “well – the longer we sit in here – the less serious this is.”  he was right – but i was preparing myself for them to come in to tell us we’d be flying back to billings in their chopper.  bozeman doesn’t do head trauma – so if it was bad – we were outta’ there.

the doc came in and shined his light directly into kev’s eyes – nothing.  no response.  his eyes didn’t get bigger or smaller with the light.  they just sat there and took it.  nothing.  *puke*

we sat for hours while deaconess requested records from billings clinic only to realize that was the WRONG.  HOSPITAL.  fail.  so they requested records from st. v’s – got them – sent kev for CTA scans and MRI’s – and then it was more waiting.

i went down to the cafeteria because i was so hungry.  in the hall i ran into my OB that delivered nora (g-mack came via on-call doc) and she asked,  “how are you?”  she oped the gates.  she had no idea what she was asking.  once again – i was a snot nosed blubbering idiot.  “my husband is in the ER – he had a bad accident and has a traumatic brain injury, broken back, nerve damage, my mom is dying, i’m just stressed.”  i had to pick her mouth up off the floor.  she was all, “you need meds crazy lady.  come see me.”  bwaahahaha.

just kidding.  kind of.  <3

when the doc finally came in – 7 1/2 hours after we had arrived – he informed us that kev’s scans were negative.  he was clear.  no brain aneurysms, no severed arteries, no swelling or bleeding in his brain – nothing.  clear.  THANK YOU JESUS!

they said he has anisocoria.  which is basically unequal pupils.  they kept saying, “perhaps you’ve had this for quite some time and just haven’t appreciated your different sized pupils.”  ummmm – yah – no.  i’ve looked into those eyes every. single. day. for the last 10 years.  i notice this kind of crap.  it’s new.  take that to the bank doc.  yo.

“mmmmmaky – well this is more than likely following his traumatic brain injury from his head trauma.  i’d say it’s likely due to the trauma of your iris which controls the pupil size.  at this point imaging of the brain does not suggest a likely brain issue and thus the next step of workup is to see an ophthalmologist for further eye testing.   this is likely an injury of the eye and the muscles that control it.”  said the doc.

broken eye – we can handle.  broken brain – i might have a legit breakdown.

so – we’ll see the ophthalmologist early next week.

as for tonight – well – i’ve got everyone upstairs asleep.  we said goodbye to one more day and we’re looking forward to an uneventful one tomorrow.  the kind where we all sit around in our jammies and watch tv all day.  or something like that.  where we do nothing but be there.  with each other.  this overwhelming feeling that i’m going to lose him is too much.  i need a break.  my heart is aching and i’m just again so grateful and can’t help but feel like he dodged yet another speeding bullet today.

please keep praying.

until tomorrow,

*m