i’m sorry it’s been so long since i’ve been here.   so many kind people have reached out to make sure i was ok…  and i am.  kinda.

i feel like it’s been so long i don’t even know where to begin.  i’ve returned to the blog several times and just not had anything worthy to say.

my heart is heavy.  mama bear is gone and thoughts and feelings i never expected to think and feel are slapping me every which way and i’m just… tired.  and overwhelmed.  it’s like i don’t even know who i am anymore.  i used to be, “kenzie, sandi’s daughter.”  “kenzie, sandi’s caretaker.”  “kenzie, sandi’s power of attorney.”  “kenzie, sandi’s whatever.”  and now… in this new role of “kenzie, sandi’s personal representative of her estate” – i’m lost.  and oh so very sad.

anyway – i chose to hire a photographer to come and photograph mama bear’s funeral.  i asked her to capture the memories of our last goodbye.  i’m aware some of you will think it’s morbid, sad, weird… and maybe just straight up wrong – but i don’t care.  i did it because though my babies were present, they are teeny.  and neither of them will remember the day we laid their grammy to rest and that was just unacceptable.  and so… my friend kelly came and photographed the services.  photos by kelly – edited by me.

i hope these images give some closure.  she is where she’s supposed to be… i know that.  but my heart just still aches.  i’m going to counseling and trying to work through it all… it’s just crazy.  it’s almost as though my entire past was just – gone.  in an instant.  my whole childhood was erased.  there is no one that i can say, “hey!  remember that time we…”  because everyone that was there is gone now.  and it’s just nuts to be so alone in a world where i’m not alone at all.  weird.

also – this post will serve as a BIG thank you to those of you who attended the service.  it was incredible to see all of you who traveled near and far to pay respects to my mama.  thank you.  from the bottom of my heart – i thank you.  thank you for coming and most of all – thank you for sharing life with us.  (andplusalso – thanks to lee for braving the winter weather and riding behind mama and i.  though cold and sad – it was a great ride).  <3

i hope this finds you doing well.