yo interwebz.  sorry it’s been so long.  i’ve been in a funk.  a straight up no good funk.

tonight i have a bad news sandwich made out of good news bread.

first slice:

kevin is doing fantastic.  he’s still healing (and will be for a very very long time – like 1-2 years (ugh.  barf).  but – overall his healing really truly has been supernatural – in every way.  God has really blessed his recovery and we are all so grateful.   yesterday we had the follow up in billings with his neurosurgeon and it lasted like 5 minutes because kev is doing so great.  he still has some pain – well – actually – quite a bit of pain.  and his bruises are turning green because they are in that weird stage before they peace out.  you know – that yucky green and yellow stage.  it’s weird.  lolz.  he has physical therapy three times a week – but – he’s back to work full time and we’re getting back into the stride of normalcy.  which is nice.

he still really shouldn’t be picking grant up or bending or twisting – but sometimes i just can’t be everywhere all the time and he has the choice to listen to grant scream or pick the poor kid up.  usually the latter wins.  just don’t tell anyone.  bwaahahaha.

i’m so grateful that he’s ok.  sure – we still have a very, VERY long road ahead of us – but – at the end of the day – he’s alive.  and doing wonderful.

the meat (sandwich guts):

mom took a real bad turn for the worst on friday.  (is it turn for the worse or worst?  either way – it’s bad.  cut me some slack, eh?).   friday afternoon she called me crying.  almost hysterical.  she said, “i’m in a lot of pain.  i need you.  can you please come over?”  so i did.  and she was in a TON of pain.  like worse than ever before.  and she was hostile and belligerent.  every other word was the F bomb and she told me to take her out and shoot her like a dog.  then when the nurse finally came in she told her, “i’m f-ing DYING!  get me some pain killer like NOW!”  it was ugly.

so i called hospice.  because she very obviously wasn’t comfortable.  so they switched up her meds and started her on oxy.  long story short – it made her loopy.  she was unstable on her feet and she started hallucinating.  she was talking to son (our dog who passed away a couple years ago) and asked me why i was brushing my dad’s (who passed away in 2008) hair in the living room and to stop.  all of this – while certainly alarming – really wasn’t a huge concern as i knew the narcotic meds would have this kind of effect.  unfortunately, though, we really are at a point where they are necessary.   she continued to decline over the weekend and we missed our next bucket list item (getting her hair done in a fancy pants salon – shoutout – THANK YOU Niccole.  You are awesome.  And someday – we’ll get together.  <3).   it was hard.  i had family pictures scheduled for monday evening and we missed that too.  by that time mom was bed bound and we weren’t going anywhere.  🙁

fast forward to today.  edye (her normal hospice nurse) was back from vacay and when she came in having not seen mom in a little over a week she knew things weren’t going well.  she immediately took notice of how mom’s eyes and cheeks are starting to sink.  she’s not looking good… at all.

mom has continued to be in a lot of pain.  they are trying to treat it – but it’s hard.  edye stopped the oxy and started mom on morphine today.  which is not a good sign.  well – i mean… it’s keeping her out of pain… for the most part – but morphine really means…   the end.  and my heart is ACHING.  i can’t BELIEVE this is really the reality of the situation.  it’s SO incredibly surreal.  my heart is absolutely broken.

i went over tonight and she was in a lot of pain again – even on the morphine.  so i called hospice and they ordered more meds for her.  she went from 4 to 6 and pretty much fell asleep on me.  i’m praying it lasts long enough for her to get some rest.

she’s really confused – and unstable – and we’re really at the point (or VERY close to) where she needs a 24 hour caregiver.  hospice provided a couple different places that could help but the price is absolutely out of control.  and – perhaps even more importantly – i really want to do it myself.  i know it will be hard – but this is it.  know what i mean?  i want to be there for her.  she’d be there for me – and i want to do it myself.  so i’m trying to line up a 24 hour nanny for the kids so i can be with mom.  i’m needing someone to come and stay 24 hours/day.  it’s hard because i need said person to keep my house clean, cook meals for my family, take nora to and from school, read bedtime stories and brush teeth and hair.  basically – i need someone to pretend to be me while i tend to mom.   it’s hard – because people have lives.  just because my life is at a total stand still – everyone else’s is still moving.   which complicates things.  alas…

second slice:

nora and i went on a date tonight.  we went to elmo at the fieldhouse.  about three weeks ago i bought “sunny seat” tickets that allowed us to meet elmo and super grover before the show.  it also got us some really amazing seats.  front row, dead center.  and it was AWESOME.  all the characters came down at different points of the show and danced in front of us and hugged nora – it was super fun.  we both had a great time.  nora was so excited.

kev thought she’d be scared of them – but no was jose.  everytime they came in front of us to do the show and dance and stuff homegirl would get out of her seat and collect hugs and high fives… she almost didn’t let the show go on.  i ran into one of my friends from high school’s mama and she made the comment, “well – someone is just like her mama.”  LOL.  how funny.  i have been really worried she was just like kev – so shy and reserved.  not tonight.  she was in her element.  she was LOVING it.  she loved EVERYONE.  fun.  <3

until tomorrow,

*m