today mom is 59.

time for reflection.  when you say someone is 59 you automatically think, “oh -well, she’s no spring chicken.  glad i’m only *insert your age* here.”  but when you read the obituary of someone who is only 59 you take notice and wonder what the crap happened.  why they died so young.

last night continued to be tough.  i finally fell asleep at about 4am and woke back up a couple hours later.  i slowly crept around the corner – not knowing what to expect.  before i looked in – i listened.  her breathing was quiet.  there was no more gasping in for breath and moaning out the excess.  so i slowly looked in.  she was silent and my heart sank.  then – she twitched… this is such an emotional rollercoaster… seriously.  fo’ realz.

i continued into the room and wrapped my hand around hers, “mom?”  she immediately opened her eyes.  “good morning!  how’d you sleep?  can i get you some breakfast?  i can order something for you.”  she said.  wait, what?  she was lucid.  i told her happy birthday and she looked at me… realllllly looked at me.  into my soul and put her hand on my cheek and said, “i love you baby.”  gah.  i love you too mom.  more than you will ever EVER know.

then she was gone again.  back aboard the crazy train.  just like that.  but it’s in THOSE moments that i am forever grateful that my husband is ok with my spending every waking minute up here.  because those are the moments i just couldn’t “time right” – i would miss those.  sure – the other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day are… well… awful really.  but those 2 minutes of clarity are worth it all.

they brought us breakfast – and she ate a couple bites of hashbrowns a bite of toast and a couple sips of water. her body just isn’t hungry anymore.

kev brought the kids up to visit and brought the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers that my aunt steph, aunt sherrill and grandma sent to my mom for her birthday. it probably weighs more than nora.  no joke.  it’s HUGE.  and so very lovely.

when the kids went into mom’s room she sat right up and was so happy to see them.  they were here about 45 minutes.  nora made her a birthday card and she was so proud.  “here you go gammie.  happy birfday.  i lub you.”  nora is so sweet.  so innocent.  and so incredibly sensitve.

then it was time for singing and cake.  mom was so alert – even helped nora and i sing her happy birthday.  she clapped at the end – she really was very present the whole time.  then i lifted nora onto her bed and they ate cake together.  (which sidenote – wasn’t really cake – it was cheesecake.  plain cheesecake.  so peace out bucket list item #17).  two birds – one stone.  that’s how i roll baby.  bam.

i’m now going to grace you with the cell phone video i made kevin take of the whole sha-bang.  please excuse the fact that i haven’t showered and am still wearing my pajamas and can less than carry a tune.  alas.

i know she doesn’t look great – but i kind of feel like seeing her will bring peace to some people.  this is her at 100%.  she’s fighting her heart out you guys.

after the kids left, she fell asleep and has pretty much been sleeping since.

we had another visitor today – mom’s friend faye dropped by.  they visited for a little bit and faye kept an eye on mom while i took a much needed shower.  so – you’ll be happy to know i’m not looking like i do in the video all day.  bwaaahahaha.  actually – yes i am.  that’s a lie.  i’m just in different jammies.  alas.

mom’s super super sleepy – but overall – hanging in there.

keep praying, please.

until soon,

*m