i’m certain… it won’t be long now.

this morning mom came to the realization that she is dying.  and it was hard for her.  i don’t think she accepted it – but she now knows (for sure) that she is on her way out.  there were lots of tears today.  it was very very hard.  very emotional.

at about 2pm mom went to sleep and became somewhat unresponsive.  at about 6pm she was a little further gone and as of now (130am) she no longer opens her eyes or speaks.

tonight i spent a lot of time in mom’s room.  these last couple days i’ve been in and out of the room.  i was scared… nervous.  i’m feeling a little guilty about that now.  feeling like i may have wasted precious, precious moments.  moments where she may have responded.  and now it’s too late.

my heart is breaking.  i STILL can’t believe this is really happening.  it’s insane.  she’s really going.

tonight i painted her nails, prayed over her, sung to her and just talked about old stuff that we had done.  i know she’s still in there because sometimes when i would talk about things we used to do she would smile for about a half a second.  it was a weird smile though – almost not conscious.  towards the end of our conversation tonight i told her to let go – that she didn’t have to fight anymore.  i told her she’s always been my best friend.  i told her i’d miss her – but we’d be ok.  i told her i loved her.  and when i said that her lips stayed together and no sound came out – but i know she was trying to say, “i love you too.”  her lips moved the way they would if her lips would have parted and sound would have come – “i love you too.”  i know it.

i forgot to mention something earlier… something really magical happened today.  after the initial crazy stuff happened (the angry and the sad mama bear stuff) and she was back in bed literally not even 10 minutes – someone VERY special came to visit.  mrs. rita – one of the most genuine and downright sweetest people on the face of this planet showed up.  she walked in and as i realized who she was – and that she really was standing in the doorway – i started to cry.  that snot ball i’ve been telling you i was saving for one of the highgate employees?  well – it landed right on her.  (sorry rita!)   whether or not you are religious – whether or not you’ve heard the good news – whether or not you know this world’s savior – i’m here to tell you this for sure.  rita’s visit – well… it was all in god’s sweet perfect timing.  mom realized she was dying and not even 10 minutes after this horrible realization God delivered one of the sweetest women in the world to remind us both that we are perfect, holy and righteous in His eyes. she reminded us that we don’t have to question our salvation and whether or not we’ve done “enough” or whether we are “enough.”  she reminded us that we don’t have to do anything but accept that love and that He (and my dad, papa, great grandma, great grandpa, great uncle james and son) are all waiting for her – arms open wide.  she came – she prayed – it was amazing.  it was exactly what my mama and i needed.  it was then that the shift happened.  she cried – we all cried – but i was so free in that moment.  thinking of that tender prayer in the hospital the last time mom had an episode.  so grateful.  thank you for answering that call god put on your heart to come here at that exact moment rita.  there hasn’t been a moment we’ve needed anymore more.  for this, my sweet sweet friend, you certainly will hear – well done good and faithful servant.  <3

i’m headed back into her room now.  i’m going to lay beside her and try to get some rest.

until soon,

*m