do you watch glee?  i fell in love with that stinkin’ show and this song is totally stuck in my head.

mom just keeps holdin’ on.  and i’m still here.  and i’m not going anywhere until this is over.

but it’s very hard.  my heart is breaking watching this unfold.  death is a cold ugly thing.

mom’s heart rate is 133.  her heart is working triple time.  i see that little place in her neck where i’ve been watching when she stops breathing and it is just bouncing up and down at an unbelievable rate.

i’m sad to report – mom’s limbs are dead.  they are grey and lifeless.  her toes are purple and her skin is mottled.  her fingers are stiff.

her mind though – her incredible spirit – is holding on.  she’s just not ready to go.  i know once she’s gone and she see’s what’s there for her – dad, dylan, son, JESUS – she’ll be ready and probably look back and feel silly for fighting this hard – but i know this for sure… she will be here until she has used every. single. ounce. of what’s left.  her poor broken body is so tired – but she is still fighting.

she has a fever of 104.  her trunk and head are burning up.  waist down – cold.  arms are still hot – and her hands are sweaty and on fire.  i’ve been doing cold compresses since last night at about 9pm.

her breathing varies – sometimes she’s not breathing, other times she’s gasping, other times she closes her mouth and breathes through her nose, sometimes she’s like a fish out of water, other times still she’s raspy and has the death rattle.  there just is no normal.  no set thing that’s happening.  they all happen at once.

i tried coaxing her over to the other side by telling her that i needed her to go and take care of dylan today.  i told her that dylan just turned 2 and that her (i really do believe dylan is a her) papa has had to take care of her all by himself and needs help.  i told her that she’s leaving g-mack and nora but i can take care of them.  she’ll go to dylan.  and get to meet dylan before i do.  i asked her to come back to me and bring dylan in a dream.  oh how i do hope she does.

she doesn’t seem to be in pain.  that’s one positive thing.  i’ve been pushing the pain pump like crazy.  i’ve often pushed it and realized i’m still locked out.  lately 20 minutes feels like 20 years.  i just don’t want her to hurt.

i’m just waiting… watching.

please pray for us.  pray for god to show my mama mercy and bring her home.  it’s getting incredibly difficult to watch.  my heart is absolutely broken.

until soon,

*m