::shakes fist at october::

historically, october has been very unkind to my family.  every passing year – something – goes horribly wrong in this wretched month.  in past octobers kevin and i have almost ended our marriage, my dad passed away, i lost our second baby, dylan, we lost a house, i almost lost kevin, and now… here we are.  just waiting – watching – the hours tick by in 2012.

i’ve found myself bargaining with god this evening morning.  HA.  i know where that’s gotten me in the past (uhhh – hello – nowhere).  over the course of my life many people have told me that i’m a control freak.  uhhh – duh.  i don’t mean to be – it just happens.  it’s just part of who i am.  i’m comfortable when i’m in control.  feeling like i can “fix” things and take care of the people i care about makes me feel secure.  i feel like if i can convince god to contain our miseries in this one month we’ll be a-ok the other 11 months.  i.  am.  dumb.

the older i get – the more god is showing me that i am completely out of control.  i see that.  clearly.  that in every situation i have NO control.  i mean, sure i can control how i react in situations – but no matter what i do – i have to trust god because i have no control on the outcomes.  that i must live, laugh, and love.  live as though there is no hurt, laugh loudly and often, love deeply.  because we are all vulnerable.  every single one of us.  we live – we die.  and it hurts.

since mom’s diagnosis was confirmed and handed to us in january, i’ve been expecting her to go in october.  fearful she will go in october.  because that’s how october is (and has always been) to us.  now, as october’s days are running out, i’m finding myself begging god to show my mama bear mercy.  “please god – take my mamas home.  please.  send my dad to get her.  i’m begging you.”  we really are at the point now where it will absolutely be a blessing when she passes.  gah.  you have no idea how mother-loving hard that was to type.  to think.  to feel.

tonight – or morning or whatever – i’m sitting here – worried.  anxious.  now that my mama’s birthday is over – i find myself thinking about whether or not she will pass on my birthday.  it’s coming up… and it could happen.  and i’m praying that god spares that day.  ultimately – i know that it’s his plan and she’ll go when he’s ready – but ohmygosh… oh hai stress.  anxiety.  the realization i’m a total control freak.

mom is still declining.  this evening she started running a fever.  the morphine and the ammonia are building up in her system and she is growing more and more confused and out of it.  we’re at the point where we are swabbing her mouth.  i remember, very clearly, doing that with my great grandma.  actually – i remember my mom doing it.  sitting over her bedside in that little yellow room with those little pieces of pink foam on a stick and cleaning out her mouth – keeping it moist.  that was at the very end though… and it didn’t last long.

as for me – get this you guys –  i am sick.  i threw up tonight.  my stomach is still unsettled and  i’m under attack in a big way.  i’m not sure if i’m really sick or the signs of stress and anxiety are just presenting themselves in a physical way.  either way – it sucks and i don’t like it.

each passing hour i slowly peek my head around the corner into her room, watching to see if the blankets rise and fall.  it’s incredibly difficult.  i’m finding as time goes on – i’m nervous about being in her room – and i scared she might die “alone” if i’m in the living room.  i’m so unsure of how to handle myself.  and this situation.  and myself IN this situation.  i’m not sure how to guard my heart.  what’s better.  and so, i, too, am in limbo.  scared to be in there, scared to be out here.  it’s exhausting.

you guys keep reaching out – telling me how awesome i am – how “strong” i am.  while i appreciate those words more than you will ever EVER know… you guys… i’m not.  i’m only doing what i can only hope that nora and g-mack someday will do for me.  i pray that i will raise them with compassion and love.  i pray that they will grow loving with their whole hearts and that they will do anything for kev and i – for each other.  sure – i’m taking care of my mom – but what other choice do i have?  she’s my mom.  and at sometime in the very near future she’ll be gone.  and my heart will ache for her.  this is all soooo emotional.  and just so hard.

roh roh – i feel like i’m having a little bit of a breakdown.  right here on the blog.  buckle yo’ seat belt blogland.  alas.

overall – things are much of the same.  we’re just watching… waiting.

until soon,

*m