today we visited the opthamologist and kevin got yet another all clear from the doc.

get this – apparently the crazy eyes were brought on by the removal of his motion sickness patch that he received in billings because he was getting light headed and dizzy.  basically – the patch is the same thing you’d get if you reported being sea sick on a cruise.  the opthamologist’s best guess is that somehow some of the medicine on the patch was transferred from the patch to his eye.  (ummm… likely when i accidentally stuck my pointer finger in it as i removed it and then helped him shower… wife = fail.)  no one – in billings or the ER in bozeman – even mentioned the fact that it *could* cause crazy eyes and or to be careful.

while we’re on that subject… while we were sitting in the ER on friday kev’s all, “maybe it was somehow related to that patch for being dizzy.”  my reply?  “doubt it crazy eyes.  buckle your seatbelt – we are clear for takeoff back to billings.  delta one niner out.”  yeah – so if you haven’t noticed – i’m kind of a downer.  i SUCK at being positive – no matter how hard i try.   it’s a survival thing i think.  i’m always preparing myself for the worst possible outcome and then i’m usually always pleasantly surprised.  i don’t recommend this method though.  it results in a lot of grey hair and anxiety.  alas – that is why kevin is so good for me.  <3

whatever the cause of the coo coo eyes  – i’m just glad he’s ok.  no eye injury – the muscles and…  well… whatever else is in his eyeball – all checked out.  it’s been really hard not to get emotional at all these good news checkups.  i just can’t believe that he’s really going to be ok.  i mean – i’m SO grateful – but just blown away that all he walked away with was a brain injury, broken back, nerve damage, bruised organs… hmmm… now that i type it out – i’m obviously not making my point very well.  at the end of the day – he’s alive.  and checking out well.  everything he has will heal.  praise God.

as for me – well – i’m sick.  g-mack is a wonderful share-er and wasted no time in sharing his sicks with me.  the kind of sick where you blow your nose all day and have skid marks from your top lip to your nostril.  my throat hurts and the pressure in my head is crazy.  it hurts.  and i’m a wuss.  i am happy to report, though, my sweet broken hubby made the trip downstairs to get ME water tonight.  woot.  🙂  i’m just so grateful he’s able.

tomorrow nora starts preschool and she couldn’t be more excited.  i’m happy for her.  she’s going to do awesome.  and it’ll be good for her to have a chance to make some new friends.  she’s a good mix of the both of us – crazy shy at first (ie: kev) then crazy loud later on.  like won’t shut it and gets in trouble at church for being disruptive (ie: yours truly).  <3  can’t wait to get her rolling on this adventure.

mom is taking ray’s death hard and hasn’t come out of her room in a couple days.  she’s using the meals to her room service more than i wish she did.  in the past this has signified the beginning of a downturn – so please be keeping her in your thoughts and prayers as well.

i suppose that’s all for now.  looking forward to feeling better tomorrow.

until then,

*m

hey interwebz!   just wanted to quickly report – no news is good news up in this house.

we are home – and have taken this weekend to regroup and hang out.

kev is doing better – he still has crazy eyes – but not nearly like they were.  the crazy really seems to come out after a shower.  kev’s theory – “well… maybe the hot water relaxes my eyeballs and that’s just the side effect of my relaxation.”   mmmkay schmev.  whatev.

i’ll call the opto in the morning and we’re going.  regardless.  lolz.

kev is walking 100% unassisted now.  he no longer needs his walker or support getting in and out of chairs.  it’s still VERY painful – but homeboy is tough. as. nails.  fo’ sure.

sleeping, though, is still rough.  on everyone.  kev sleeps like a bear.  so much that the men from church would rather sleep outside in the snow than in his cabin at men’s conference.  (you know who you are…  hahaha).   up until the accident i always gave him a quick hard jab in the ribs and told him to roll it over before i roll him out.  no bueno with a broken back.  so – he sleeps on his back, legs high up in the air and saws logs all night.  me – well – you know… i’m not getting much sleep these days.  but – his brain is healing and that’s all that matters.  <3

his bruise where he hit the rocks is all purple and green – totally gross.  everytime i see it i get woozy.  i could never be a nurse.  🙂

mom is doing well too.  lots of people have been asking (thanks for reaching out!).  this IS her blog – but the accident took over.  i haven’t really even seen her but once since kev’s accident (which happened exactly a week ago now).  she’s rallying.  and i’m so glad.

some sad news though – my favorite resident at highgate passed away today.  i’ll never forget ray.  he was always driving around the halls in his little scooter – talking to anyone that’d listen.  i adored him.  and his crazy stories.  i’m praying for his family – as this loss will certinaly be taken tough.  he was a really cool dude.

a constant reminder of the reality of mom’s situation.

on a more positive note – i did line up a harley ride for her.  she’ll be riding behind the Chaplin of the legion next saturday.  on his fatboy.  woot.  it’ll be awesome.  i can’t wait.  she is going to be SO excited.

i’m headed up to try to get some sleep.  i contracted the kids cold this weekend and my throat hurts.  awesome.  :banghead:

until tomorrow,

*m

today was… rough.

the kids didn’t sleep well last night.  g-mack-a-doodle is sick and nora overheard me telling someone that kevin would have died if he hadn’t have been wearing his helmet.  during our nightly prayers she asked, “mommy – did daddy almost die?”  awww crap.  i’ve been doing SO well shielding her from all of this.  i decided to tell her the truth and stress the importance of a helmet and tell her how smart her daddy was for putting it on.  “well – he could have honey.  but he didn’t.  because daddy wore his helmet and he is so very smart for doing that.  God makes our bodies to heal – and daddy’s ouchies are getting better everyday.  don’t you worry about him.  he’s tough.  like really tough.  spiderman tough.”  she brought both her little hands up to her face and covered her eyes and started to cry.  she said, “oh my gosh mommy.  i didn’t even know dat happened to daddy.  why didn’t you tell me?  i didn’t even know dat happened to my daddy.”  gah.  broke my heart.  she’s SO sensitive and compassionate.  and my oh my – that little girl LOVES her daddy.  so she cried – all night.  the kind of cries where she is sleeping – but crying.  i was up with her every 45 minutes all night.  it was terrible.  🙁

when daylight broke and it was finally time for all of us to just get up – the day started out great.  we hung out together.  we laughed and we just enjoyed each other.  we ate breakfast and i put g-mack to nap.  nora came into kev and i’s room to watch super why and i helped kev take a shower.  when he got out – i noticed it.  his eyes were crazy.  he had googly eyes.  one was huge – the other – teeny tiny.  it was scary.  super. scary.  i remember reading in the discharge paperwork that this was of major concern and a symptom we were to immediately return to the ER for.  when i told kev – he downplayed it and insisted that i call the doctor in billings  just to make sure.  he was tired and had already missed his morning nap.  so – i did.  while i was on hold with the receptionist i walked into the computer room and googled “one eye dilated one eye not.”  umm yah… BIG.  MISTAKE.  the interwebz = doomsday.  for any and all situation. no one writes about the time it all worked out.  all that’s out there is the time everyone and their brother and their brother’s dog almost died.  or did die.  or surely will die soon.  gah.

about that time the neurosurgeon’s nurse came on the line, “yes – you need to return to the ER immediately.  and whatever you do mckenzie, don’t let him go to sleep.”

my heart sank.  she wouldn’t give me anything else.  just get your butts in there.  now.  so i walked out of the computer room into the living room where kev was sitting in the recliner – eyes closed.  oh fark.  i was scared.  “kev?”  i said.  nothing.  “KEV?!”  his eyes opened and i told him that we needed to go in.  he wasn’t happy.  at all.

i tried to call jos to come and get the kids – but women’s conference is going on at church right now.  and she just had them for 4 days.  (she totally would have come.  but i was feeling a little guilty… alas)  so i called my neighbor – she was out.   crap.  starting to panic a little bit.   so i called my friend abby who happens to live on my route to the hospital and she told me she’d watch them.  {thank you abby.  you are amazing.  and i ADORE you.  thank you for being so wonderful to my kids.}

i dropped off the kids and we headed in.

we walked into the ER and the tech started checking us in and i just couldn’t help it.  i started to cry.  like a crazy person.  big tears and boogers running down my face.  it was gorgeous, i’m sure.   i managed, “i’m sorry.  we’ve just been through SO much in the last couple days.”  :banghead:

they had us in a room within minutes.  doctors and nurses alike came in to the room to put kev through all kinds of questions.  “is your vision blurry?  double vision?  do you have a headache?”  then we went back to, “what’s your name?  date of birth?  do you know where you are?”  my heart SANK.  that feeling of losing him came back with a vicious flood of emotions.  i tried so hard to keep my crap together for kev – but it was hard.  i thought we were through the real badness of this situation.

“please… please don’t die.  i need you.”  yep – i told him that.  i was becoming desperate the longer we sat in that room.  he said, “well – the longer we sit in here – the less serious this is.”  he was right – but i was preparing myself for them to come in to tell us we’d be flying back to billings in their chopper.  bozeman doesn’t do head trauma – so if it was bad – we were outta’ there.

the doc came in and shined his light directly into kev’s eyes – nothing.  no response.  his eyes didn’t get bigger or smaller with the light.  they just sat there and took it.  nothing.  *puke*

we sat for hours while deaconess requested records from billings clinic only to realize that was the WRONG.  HOSPITAL.  fail.  so they requested records from st. v’s – got them – sent kev for CTA scans and MRI’s – and then it was more waiting.

i went down to the cafeteria because i was so hungry.  in the hall i ran into my OB that delivered nora (g-mack came via on-call doc) and she asked,  “how are you?”  she oped the gates.  she had no idea what she was asking.  once again – i was a snot nosed blubbering idiot.  “my husband is in the ER – he had a bad accident and has a traumatic brain injury, broken back, nerve damage, my mom is dying, i’m just stressed.”  i had to pick her mouth up off the floor.  she was all, “you need meds crazy lady.  come see me.”  bwaahahaha.

just kidding.  kind of.  <3

when the doc finally came in – 7 1/2 hours after we had arrived – he informed us that kev’s scans were negative.  he was clear.  no brain aneurysms, no severed arteries, no swelling or bleeding in his brain – nothing.  clear.  THANK YOU JESUS!

they said he has anisocoria.  which is basically unequal pupils.  they kept saying, “perhaps you’ve had this for quite some time and just haven’t appreciated your different sized pupils.”  ummmm – yah – no.  i’ve looked into those eyes every. single. day. for the last 10 years.  i notice this kind of crap.  it’s new.  take that to the bank doc.  yo.

“mmmmmaky – well this is more than likely following his traumatic brain injury from his head trauma.  i’d say it’s likely due to the trauma of your iris which controls the pupil size.  at this point imaging of the brain does not suggest a likely brain issue and thus the next step of workup is to see an ophthalmologist for further eye testing.   this is likely an injury of the eye and the muscles that control it.”  said the doc.

broken eye – we can handle.  broken brain – i might have a legit breakdown.

so – we’ll see the ophthalmologist early next week.

as for tonight – well – i’ve got everyone upstairs asleep.  we said goodbye to one more day and we’re looking forward to an uneventful one tomorrow.  the kind where we all sit around in our jammies and watch tv all day.  or something like that.  where we do nothing but be there.  with each other.  this overwhelming feeling that i’m going to lose him is too much.  i need a break.  my heart is aching and i’m just again so grateful and can’t help but feel like he dodged yet another speeding bullet today.

please keep praying.

until tomorrow,

*m

tonight – we are grateful.

we are grateful to be home – all 4 of us under one roof.  we are settling in – trying to establish a new routine in our new situation.

we are grateful to have such amazing people in our lives.  so many of you have reached out – and it means SO much.  you’ve visited, emailed, called, texted, prayed, mowed our lawn, cleaned our home, brought us meals.  we are humbled by the love we’ve felt from the people around us.

kevin is tall… i am not.  🙂  my head rests on directly on his chest and tonight, for the first time since the accident, i was able to put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat.  his steady, strong  rhythm has calmed my anxious, sad and tired nerves many times in the last 10 years – but tonight – it was different.  i’ve never really listened.   as i rested my head there – i thought about sunday night and the fear that rushed over me and how i thought i might not ever hear it again.  tears welled in my eyes – for tonight – i am SO grateful that kevin survived this accident.  i am SO grateful that he will be there for us.  i am SO grateful he will be there as we co-parent these kids as they grow.  i’m SO grateful he will sit next to me and hand me a kleenex at their preschool graduation.  i’m SO grateful he’ll be the voice of reason when i want to lay down the LAW all over the kids when they get in trouble in high school.  i’m SO grateful that i get to usher nora’s first date into the kitchen where he’ll be cleaning his shotgun.  i am SO grateful that he’ll be there to hand me a kleenex at their high school graduation.  i’m SO grateful he’ll dance with me (really awkwardly) at their weddings.  i’m SO grateful he’ll be here with me when they’re grown and gone and it’s just us again.  you guys – i’m SO grateful he’s alive.  SO eternally grateful.

it’s a scary thing to think about – and to live out – your spouse being in a situation like we were.  all the doctors made sure we understood where we’d be if he hadn’t put on his helmet.  there is no question he would not have survived and i’d be planning yet another funeral.  it makes me sick to even think about it.  so i don’t.  instead – i tell him, over and over and over, how grateful i am that he put it on.

today kevin started physical therapy.  it was tough – but he did fantastic.  he’s like the bionic man or something.  they had him walking on the treadmill and stretching his legs and abs and working on how not to get a blood clot.  his homework is to walk around the mall tomorrow.  (woooooot for me!  not so much for him… but alas.)  lolz.

kev took a couple laps around the kitchen table without his walker today too.  yes – already.  can you believe it?  he’s incredible.  and i’m so grateful.  oh wait – i already said that, right?  🙂

we also found out that our insurance is awesome.  they will be covering 100% of the help flight, 100% of the ER, 90% of the hospital stay, 90% of the CAT/MRI/x-rays and 90% of the doctors visits.  and once we hit our out of pocket maximum – they cover the rest.  talk about a load off.  thank you united healthcare and oracle!  what a blessing!  <3

we left the hospital yesterday with prescriptions for narcotic pain pills and nausea.  kevin has taken neither.  in fact – he hasn’t even taken an aspirin or tylenol since we left.  he’s so strong.  or maybe just crazy.  🙂  he’s working through the pain and learning how to move without aggravating the fractures.

i talked to kev’s boss today and let him know that kev will be returning to work on monday.  well – kind of.  he’ll be working from home.  because kev has a TBI (traumatic brain injury) – he tires VERY easily and has had a little bit of trouble concentrating – so he’s going to start out working a couple hours a day and just see how it goes.  he’s already getting kind of restless – laying around isn’t kev’s style and he’s itching to get back to normal as fast as he can.  homeboy is bored.  and he doesn’t like it.  (can anyone say jim sacry?)  🙂

all in all – we had a great day together.  and – tomorrow we’ll have another.  and for that – i am SO grateful.  <3

until tomorrow,

*m

today we’ve been working with the discharge case manager, social workers for homecare and physical and occupational therapy.

this morning kev tore up and down the stairs and later this afternoon he was in and out of the practice car.  occupational therapy taught him to to get dressed and put on his own socks.  🙂  he is doing so incredibly well.  i know i’ve said it before – but i’m so proud of how he is pushing through the pain and getting better by the hour.

we definitely still have a long road ahead of us – but the progress he’s already made in the last 72 hours is just plain amazing.

today when kev’s occupational therapist was working with him she took him into the bathroom to watch him get in and out of the shower and off and on the toilet and when he was in there doing his *ahem* biz-nass she ushered me into the hall and we had this conversation:

her:  “umm… i’m a little concerned about discharging your husband today.”
me:  “ok – what’s wrong?”
her:  “well – have you noticed any personality changes since the accident?”
me:  “not really…”
her:  “well – when i look him in the eyes and ask him a question he looks back at me and it’s taking a little longer for him to respond than i’d like to see before i discharge him.  he’s just so quiet and i’m concerned.”
me:  :laughs:
her:  :totally confused:
me:  “well – if you’d like him to respond immediately before you discharge him – we might as well move in.  that’s probably never going to happen.  he likes to, errrmmm, “process” before he answers.  and he is just really quiet.  and maybe a little awkward in front of people he doesn’t know – well – in front of everyone, really.”
her:  “oh – well in that case… ”

bwaahahaha.

in any case – we are still coming home today.  they just took out his IV and we’re waiting to the doc and the nurse to give us the notes and instructions and appointment information for physical therapy in the bo-zone.  just waiting, waiting, waiting.

(also – he *loves* me snapping photos of this process… except not really.  hahaha).

until tomorrow (or perhaps tonight),

*m

we’re heading home. 🙂

today kev worked so hard.  he walked up and down the halls and practiced getting in and out of bed and in and out of the shower with physical and occupational therapy.

the test results are all in – kev’s spine is solid.  there are no stability problems and therefore no way that he can do further damage to his fractures and/or his spine and spinal cord.

the way that this man is recovering from this accident is incredible.  there. are. no. words.

all the doctors are impressed.  as am i.  i’m so proud of him.

he’s still in quite a bit of pain (which, unfortunately is to be expected for a little while) – and he’s learning how to do things for himself again.  he has to get reacquainted with his body and learn how to walk, how to get in and out of bed, how to sit on the pot-tay (etc) in a way that doesn’t aggravate his fractures.

we had so SO SOOOO many visitors to the hospital today.  everyone really lifted kev’s spirits.  he was happy – laughing and visiting and just being that same ole’ kev we all know and love.  🙂  it made my heart so happy.

it’s kind of funny… people that visited creeped on down the hall – peeking just their heads in all slowly – not knowing what to expect.  it made us laugh a little bit.  i know what they’re doing – i was i that same boat just two short nights ago.  overall though – kev looks fantastic.  you really wouldn’t be able to tell he’s been in such a horrible accident by looking at him.  he has just a little bit of road rash on his arm and hand and that’s really about it.  there are no pumpkin head gauze wraps, no full body casts – overall – he’s doing really good.  just trying really hard to push through the pain.  and you guys – homeboy is tough.

i’m just so proud of him.

tomorrow after physical therapy and occupational therapy we’ll go on home to our littles.  i miss them.  terribly.  <3

kev is looking at a long recovery – likely 6 months to a year.  he’ll have physical therapy three times a week – indefinitely.  his brain is still recovering from his traumatic brain injury and his back is hurting.  but we’re working on maintaining a therapeutic dose of oral pain meds so that when we go home he won’t miss his IV drugs.  (alas… LOL).

we can really feel the love and the prayers everyone is sending.  and oh my do we appreciate them!  on sunday night i was feeling prettttty alone in the world.  but my oh my – thank you so much for reaching out.  it means the world.

people keep asking me how i’m doing – and i’m ok.  stressed and anxious, sure – but  i know i’m the glue holding it all together right now – and i’ll do it.  for kev.  for our littles.  for my mama bear.  i’ll keep doing what i’m doing – i’ll be just fine.  i’ve learned so much about myself in the last three months.  and so much about kev.  i’ve never EVER loved him more.  as we grow together – we learn together.  more about the world – and each other.  i’m so blessed.

you should know, too, that God has never ever been so present in our lives.  the series of miracles that have played out in the last three days is just unreal.  there really are no words.  we know He had a great big ole’ hand in kevin surviving and i am SO grateful.  unbelievably grateful.  i don’t know what i’d do if this turned out any other way.

i’m pooped.  another long day in the hospital today and another long night in the hospital chair tonight.  (unless i creep into the hall and steal the bed next door.  because that. could. happen.  lolz).

until tomorrow,

*m

thank you JESUS!  fo’ realz.

today the situation at the hospital is 100% different than last night.  kevin has made such big progress in just 24 short hours – to say i am proud is such a big understatement.

today we learned a bit more about kevin’s situation.

he does have a minor brain injury (basically a very VERY severe concussion) to which they are keeping a close eye on.  so far so good – no swelling, bleeding or skull fractures.  once again – i must give HIGH praises to his helmet.  and to kevin for putting it on.  it literally saved his life.  the doctors here are calling him the poster child for a helmet ad.  several of the docs have gone into great detail as to what the situation would look like had he not chosen to wear it.  it involves skull fractures, bleeding brains, ventilators and undoubtedly fatal irreversible trauma. *puke*

i can’t express in words how grateful i am to him for choosing to wear it.  it would have been SO easy to leave it behind.

his back is fractured in six places along his transverse process.  the breaks are literally just inches from his spinal cord and so the docs and nurses are treating him as a spinal cord injury patient as an extra precaution – no BLT-ing.  no bending, lifting or twisting so not to further damage his back.  it’s in his low low back and is excruciatingly painful.  he was taking morphine this morning but it was making him sick so they started giving him something a little lighter and it seems to be working.  he tells the nurses that his pain level is 0 when he’s laying in bed.  it’s when the PT lady comes and jacks him around or when he has to get out of bed to go to potty that he is in a lot of pain.

that said – he walked today you guys.  he got up out of bed and walked around the nurse’s station.  TWICE.  i cried.  yesterday i was so afraid for the worst and today kevin walked.  with only assistance with a walker.  I AM SO PROUD.  and he is SO tough.

he also has some nerve damage where his breaks occurred.  they say this is normal and will go away eventually.  his right side where his cantaloupe sized haematoma is – is totally numb.  and itchy.  (ladies – think epidural.  numb – but ITCHY!)  he was all, “it’s crazy.  i can’t feel it – but it’s itchy as crap.”  and i was all, “dude.  i totally, TOTALLY get it.”  lol.

he’s still a little confused today – but bits and pieces of the last couple days came back to him today.  he remembers picking up the four wheeler and eating lunch and driving to big timber but remembers NOTHING surrounding the accident.  not. a. single. thing.   he’s trying.  he’s frustrated because this is putting him completely out of his element.  he’s not used to not being able to do for himself.  he needs someone to help him with basic tasks and it’s very hard for him.  he’s trying…

his internal organs are bruised.  not bleeding – just bruised.

today his high school buddy clint came to visit him and they talked about the “good old days”  (lol) and watched some monday night football.  kev conked out on clint for a little while – but they picked up where they left off (mid-sentence – haha).  it really picked his spirits up.  (THANKS CLINT!  <3)

it sounds bad (as i just re-read what i wrote) – but honestly – he’s doing so well given the circumstance.  it could have been so so SO much worse.  he is working hard and it’s paying off.  the docs say that everything (brusing, haematoma, broken back, brain injury – all o’ it) will heal with time and patience.  and we’re willing.  we’ll be ok.

funny story – the nurses here handwrite their patients names over their doctor’s name and hang it over the patient’s bed.   this morning they hung up a sign with kevin’s name over “dr. mckenzie” and i was all, “yah i am.  i got dis.  BAM.”  and they were all, “ummm… yah…. except we clearly don’t mean you bossy lady.  we mean dr. mckenzie.  as in the trauma doc with a medical degree overseeing your husband’s care.  kthanxbai.”  whatev.  lol.  🙂

thanks again for reaching out… and praying.  and thinking of us.  it gives me the much needed courage and strength to get through these days.

until tomorrow,

*m

the moon was really amazing last night – peeking over the bridgers.

i ran into the house to grab my cell phone to take a picture for this blog so i could talk about beauty in the midst of the storm – unaware that i had already missed three calls.  it rang a fouth time – i answered.

on the other line was a clearly shaken, but still well composed, shawn –  kevin’s work buddy that he had left with early yesterday morning to go four wheeling in the mountains with.  he said, “mckenzie?  this is shawn.”  i was all, “yahhh – i know – what’s up?”  i was expecting kevin’s voice on the other end – telling me he lost his phone or maybe that it had run out of battery.  no. bueno.

“kevin was involved in an accident this afternoon.  he rolled his four wheeler and was flown by helicopter to billings.  he hit his head on a rock and was unconscious… blah, blah, blah.”  obviously shawn didn’t really say that at the end – but that’s what my brain heard.  kevin wrecked, is totally unconscious and was life flighted to the hospital.  i just kept saying, “oh my god.  oh my god, no.  please no.”

billings is two hours from bozeman.  i was far away and thought my husband could be slipping away… or worse yet – already gone.  i loaded the kids into the car and tried to call brand and josie (my BIL & SIL) so that i didn’t have to take nora.  they told me they were in bozeman and i told them i’d drop nora off on my way out of town.  as soon as i got to them a bunch of people were there waiting for me to arrive.  as soon as my car was in park – they sprang into action.  nora out – carseat out – new driver of swagger wagon in – it was organized chaos.  josie was apparently going with me.  she was driving and would take care of g-mack while i was at the hospital.  so thankful for my family.  <3

10 minutes into our trip my cell phone rang – billings phone number.  “hello?” i whispered through tears fearing the worst…  “hello mckenzie, this is hope.  i’m a nurse at st. vincent’s hospital in billings and i’m taking care of your husband.  overall he’s doing ok.  he has a very serious concussion and his short term memory is completely gone but we expect it to fully return in 48-72 hours.  he’d like to talk to you – can i patch you to his room?”  “YES please!”  and then i heard his voice and my heart skipped a beat.  i was so scared i might never ever hear it again.  “i’m so sorry about this.  i’m so sorry about this.  what happened?”  “you were in an accident.  you hit your head.”  “oh…  i’m so sorry about this.  i’m so sorry about this.  what happened?”  “honey, i just told you… you were in an accident and you hit your head.”  “oh.  ok… i’m so sorry… what happened?”  ugh… around and around we went.  but it didn’t matter – because he was talking to me.  that meant he was alive and that’s all that mattered.

we pressed on and the phone rang again about an hour later – same dance around in circles.  his memory was totally shot.  i’d tell him, he’d say ok and two seconds later we’d do it all again.  it was actually really similar to what my mom does when she is in the middle of an “episode.”  the similarities were undeniable.

kev had a really rough night.  with a brain injury, they wake you up every 2 hours and ask you a series of questions, “what is your name?  what is your birthday?  do you know where you are?  do you know what happened to you?”  he failed the test a couple times early – but had em’ down like a champ by morning.

today we met with the doctor and learned that kev has a severe concussion and fractured his back in six places.  he is in a LOT of pain.  he’s taking morphine and it’s making him sick – but is relatively pain free.  he’s having trouble deciding the lesser of the two evils.  alas.  he’s starting to choose not to take it as the day goes on.

they’ve had him on his feet a couple times and he gets dizzy, nauseous and throws up.  he sweats and fainted early on this morning.  the pain is intense… but he’s trying his best.

he is in X-ray right now.  the docs are re-examining his spine and testing the stability of it.  they are also making sure that his fractures are low – not high.

i talked to shawn again this morning and he said that they were in the mountains on a road and kevin went around a corner where there were about 5-6 rocks that were about 5-6 inches in diameter.  he hit one of them with his right front tire and it sent him off the road into big boulders.  he flew off the four wheeler about 10 feet and bonked his head on a rock.

get this – 15 seconds after the accident happened guess who showed up?  a doctor and nurse coming down the mountain.  PRAISE GOD!  they stayed with kevin while shawn rode back down to a place where he could call 911 and get help.

then – after he was in the ER and they had a handle on what was wrong with him – Hope took over his care.  God keeps giving me Hope.  in this situation, in mom’s situation.  i’m grateful… because my hope, dear interwebz – was MORE than spent last night when i thought i was alone in this world.  without my best friend… my partner.  gah.

the doctors keep telling him he is “the poster child for a helmet ad” – who woulda’ thunk a sacry man would be the POSTER CHILD FOR A HELMET AD.  certainly not me.  but oh dear sweet lord am i thankful.  that helmet saved his life.  there is no doubt about it.

it surely put things into perspective… we are all dying ,aren’t we?  i mean – none of us get out of this world alive.  unless we have jesus.  and thank you GOD – we do.

we meet with a neurosurgeon later this afternoon to discuss the stability of the spine and what kind of recovery we are looking at.

please keep praying.  lord knows we all need it.

until tomorrow,

*m

i’m no doctor… but i’ve been around (and around and around and AROUND) the block with mom – in and out of the ER – and i can tell you this for sure… she’s starting to slip.  i can look in her eyes and know it’s happening.  and it breaks my heart.

on that note – i had the most vivid real dream last night and woke up completely heartbroken.

i dreamed that mom and i were somewhere eating and she had some kind of episode – perhaps a heart attack (which is really unlikely).  long dream short – the ambulance came and the paramedics got out their heart shocker paddle thing.  i was off to mom’s right side and while the paramedics were working on her, she was looking directly at me.  directly into my eyes.  they shocked her once – nothing.  they shocked her again and her heart monitor started showing a rhythm.  she was looking right at me the whole time – never blinked.  then – after that second shock – one tear streamed down her face.  it was very dramatic.  and heartbreaking.  as soon as the tear streamed down her cheek and fell from her face to the floor – she was gone.  and still looking at me.  and me at her.  it was awful.  they shocked her again – nothing.  so they called it.  and she was gone.

i woke up sweating.  and just so sad.  i’ve been living these last 9 months knowing that mom would succumb to this illness sometime in the next year or so.  but now that it’s close – my heart is aching.  there is nothing that i can do to stop it… i know that.  but there’s also nothing i can do to prepare.  nothing i can do to make it easier to live the rest of my life without my mom.  and my dad.  i’ll be representing my side of our family alone.  no one from my side will be at nora’s school christmas shows.  no one from my side will come with me to watch her graduate or get married.  and it totally breaks. my. heart.

God speaks to me in my dreams.  He always has.  and i can’t help but wonder if this is His way of giving me a heads up of what’s coming.  or a gentle reminder to leave nothing unsaid.  but it’s just so hard.  while i was thinking about all this – i went outside and saw the most beautiful lighting.  it was the rays through the clouds and straight down onto what looked like about where highgate was.  the last time i saw such big, beautiful direct rays like this was at my great grandma’s funeral.  come to think of it… today would have been her birthday.  coincidence?  or omen?  i just don’t even know anymore.

my mom and i used to be so close.  SO close.  and we’ve spent the last 4 years completely at arms with each other.  all i’ve done is fight her.  i’ve tried to MAKE her take care of herself.  i’ve tried to make her do what i wanted.  i can’t count on both hands and toes how many times i’ve looked her in the eye and said, “mom… do you want to die?  no?  well then you have to do xyz.”  and she’s done none of those things.  and so – here we are.

even through our trials though, we’ve just been through so much together.  i mean… she’s my mom.  the person who’s been with me the longest.  been there for everything.  and soon – she’ll be gone.  and my heart is just broke.  i don’t know what i’m going to do.

tonight we went to visit her and her care partner came into to check on her and she introduced us like this:  “this is my son-in-law kevin, my daughter kenzie, my heart nora and this here is my little grandson garth.”  and moved right along.  completely didn’t realize she just introduced grant as garth.  then she told me that a particular member of our family has the exact same thing as she does and that she was going to talk to her about how’s she’s stayed alive for 8 or 9 years.   three times.  she’s just starting to slip… and if it happens as quickly as it has in the past… well… then… i dunno.

it’s stressful.  and my heart is just aching.

please keep us in your prayers.

until tomorrow,

*m

oh.  my.  word.

you guys… there are no words for today.  it was amazing.  breathtaking.  stunning.  indescribable.

last sunday i blogged about the top thing on mom’s bucket list being seeing yellowstone.  for some reason i thought yellowstone was like 90 minutes away.  and i suppose it is.  well – the entry gate anyway.  old faithful – 60 minutes from the entry.  hotpots – another 60 minutes.  turn around and go back and you have been in the car for 10 hours.  :banghead:  impossible.  so – i walked up the stairs on sunday night completely defeated and kevin said, “uhhh, what’s wrong?”  and so i explained my dilemma and his reply was, “what about by helicopter?  it would be amazing to see yellowstone from the air.”

best. idea. EVER.

i called up rocky mountain rotors (mark taylor (owner and our pilot) was AMAZING.  super SUPER nice guy) and scheduled a tour.  (sidenote:  check their website here:  http://www.rockymountainrotors.com/ – it has the cooooolest video evah!).

before we hopped into the chopper i got my camera ready to roll and realized i had forgotten my mother-loving battery at home and only had my spare that had one bar left… and it was blinking.  GAH!  but alas – i saved as much as i could and took only the really amazing shots.  i had no choice but to make every. shot. count!

we left the bozeman airport this morning and 10 and is was by FAR one of the best most AMAZING things i’ve ever done in my life.

i asked mom’s hospice nurse, edye, to come along and after going through the proper channels she obliged.  and she was so much fun.

this helicopter tour was… seriously – there just aren’t any words.  we flew through hyliate canyon over the reservoir and saw mountain goats.  then we went down the devils slide outside of gardiner.  then we saw buffalo and thousands of dollars of horns in yellowstone.  then we saw the upper and lower falls and the most MAGNIFICENT geyers i’ve ever seen.  it is completely indescribable.  the things we were able to see from the air were just incredible!  then we searched yellowstone for elk and moose – no dice.  but on our search we encountered a small herd of buffalo and we came right down and looked in their eyes.  they were intimated – so they ran.  and we followed.  and then we saw a couple black wolves.  in the wild.  they got spooked too – but not before mark set me up in the most amazing photo op i’ve ever had.  we landed the chopper at the corral bar in big sky and had ourselves some burgers and beers.  (peace out number 9 – have a beer with clamato – on the bucket list).  nora had to go potty – so i took her into the bathroom where we looked this poster of this old granny with no teeth talking about if she can only stick around until friday.  irony.  then we went back up in the chopper and soared with a golden eagle.  we were ABOVE the eagle watching it fly around.  amazing.  then we did some crazy roller coaster helicopter turns and mom had the time. of. her. life.

that sparkle came back into her eyes and homegirl was SO at peace.  so happy.  so the lady she was 5 years ago.  man i missed her.  and it was glad to have her back.

it was amazing.  absolutely incredible.  it’s something i wish everyone i cared about had the opportunity to do.  edye said it best, “it’s so spiritual!  you can’t come back the same person you were when you left.  something inside you changes.”

and oh boy – did it.

i’m so thankful that i got to make this happen for mom.  she wanted to do this so badly.  and i SEARCHED everywhere for a hot air balloon – no one even remotely close to bozeman is flying this time of year.  she decided that going in the helicopter was better anyway and asked me to check off the hot air balloon ride too.

mark, our pilot, told her that if in one year she was still alive and kickin’ – he’d take her back up (for free – she’ll make sure you have this detail) and let her fly it.  she was grinning from ear to ear the rest of the day.  he made her whole life telling her that.  and – i wouldn’t be surprised if that stubborn old woman hangs on just to take him up on his word.  LOL.

when we came home from our helicopter excursion i dropped mom off, picked grant up (thanks abby!  you are the BEST!) and headed out to meet the movers at her house.  they got her all moved back into her old room in the manor and this has turned out to be one of the best days of mom’s life.

she’s happy.  she’s back to herself and i’m praying it lasts for awhile.

livin’ like you’re dyin’ is all it’s cracked up to be… and more.

until tomorrow.  🙂

*m