today number 8 and 14 on the list ate bucket dust.

mom is becoming increasingly paranoid with the staff at highgate.  she’s convinced herself that one of the nurses is trying to poison her and so – she refuses medication from said nurse.  which – is her choice.  i’ve tried to reason with her and she gets very upset and accuses me of “siding with THEM.”  and so – i don’t anymore.  i’m not going to fight about these little things that just don’t matter in the big picture.  she takes her meds on the next shift if this one person is the one who tries to give it to her in the morning.  :banghead:

and… speaking of banging heads… her head bonk is healing better than i thought it would too.  and her face hasn’t developed a big bruise – just a little one.  thank you for praying for her.  🙂

today kev and i tried to get her to come to church with us – but she was just too sleepy.  she hasn’t been sleeping well at night for a very long time and hospice gave her a very mild sleeping pill that her liver can process and it has been helping her get some much needed sleep.  but – last night she decided to watch a little too much tv and didn’t take it until around midnight and just couldn’t get up this morning for church at 9.  so we went to church without her and picked her up to eat at the chinese buffet for lunch today.  she really enjoyed it.  and while i didn’t like the food (at all) – it was really fun to be able to cross something off the bucket list together.  her eyes lit up and she was happy… even if it was just for a few minutes – it was worth it.  i’m really gonna miss her when she’s gone.  even the crazy parts, i think.

after lunch mom, nora and grant needed a nap.  (wait… who am i kidding?!  kevin and i needed one too – but we didn’t get it.  LOL).  so we took mom home and let the littles and her get a little snooze.  then nora and i went over to her room and smacked down number 14 on the bucket list and i painted her and nora’s nails.   we used magnetic nail polish and it was really cool.  she doesn’t really like the color though, so if i get time i’ll re-do them next week.  her words, “wellllll… ummmm… at least they’re painted i guess.”  bwaahahaha.  can’t live with her – can’t live without her.

sadly… lately mom has been really paranoid with me too… she is very concerned that i’m moving and taking her stuff that i “don’t want her to have.”  which is completely untrue.  in fact – it’s the opposite of what’s really going on.  i’ve been making sure she has everything she wants (except ice trays for her mini-fridge in her room… for some reason i can. not. remember. this item.  ugh.).  it’s really hard though – she is very VERY difficult to please.  but i’m trying.  and trying.  and trying.

tomorrow i lined up a babysitter for g-mack and lula and i’m spending the whole day with mom and we are headed to yellowstone.  (we’ve been in montana almost 20 years and she’s never been… can you believe that?)  please be praying for safe travels and a good day for both of us.  i’m a little stressed about it given our most recent travels – but we are only going to be in the park a few hours and then we’re coming home.  we’re going to hit the big stuff – old faithful, some geysers, some smelly stuff and hopefully some animals.

still doing the best we can with what we’ve got…

thanks again for all the prayers and well wishes.  they really keep me going when the going gets tough.  you guys are the best.  <3

until tomorrow,

*m

sandra jo’s bucket list:

1. see the ocean (uhhh, check?  lol)
2. put my feet in the sand
3. go to the movie theatre and watch a scary movie and eat popcorn
4. buy a BUCKET of sacry popcorn at the sacry theater in whitehall.  extra butter and no salt.
5. have a beer + clamato juice
6. go on a harley ride
7. have my hair done at a fancy pants salon
8. have kenzie paint my nails
9. ride in a hot air balloon
10. get “property of big bubba” tattooed on my butt
11. have a GIANT 59th harley themed birthday party
12. stay alive until thanksgiving
13. stay alive until christmas
14. go eat at the chinese buffet
15. make a painting with nora
16. go to the children’s museum with nora and grant
17. eat a piece of plain cheesecake
18. eat spagetti at johnny carinos
19. visit the chocolate moose candy store with nora and grant
20. have kenzie make deviled eggs

    

    

    

    
    

    

    

    

    
    

    

    

    

    
    

    

    

    

    
    

    

    
    

today was tough.  one of the toughest so far.

yesterday hospice gave me a list of things i needed to think about and/or get done before mom passes away.

i debated all day whether to share this part of my day on the blog today – but ultimately i decided i’m blogging for myself and i’m going to want to look back on these days someday and re-read my heart.  my raw emotion and how these days truly went down.  and so – i hope you can hang.  cuz it’s about to get weird.

one of the things on the list was to meet with a funeral home and start pre-planning her funeral.  i gave the one i wanted to work with a call yesterday and told them what was going on and asked for an appointment fully expecting them to tell me to come in a couple weeks later… that wasn’t the case.  they offered an appointment for today and i took it.  it. was. weird.

i left the kids with kev and headed into the funeral home.  it was quiet and dark.  no one was at the front desk so i slowly crept in a little further before mustering up the courage to quietly whisper yell, “uhhhh… hello?”  i was greeted very warmly and ushered into the planning room.  we went over mom’s information and i chose a vault and a casket.  i came home with a list of things that need to be addressed, including several questions that i never would have considered that i can just ask mom about.  because – she’s still here.

when my dad died i had about 4 days to get everything together.  it was 4 very emotional and very busy days.  i decided i’d like to get things started now so that when the time comes – it’ll be done and i can focus on saying goodbye rather than deciding all these details.  i’m not going to lie though – it was VERY hard.  things came up in the meeting that i had not even remotely considered and quite frankly – it was sooo surreal sitting there planning the details while she was still alive.  it felt like i was giving up all hope and completely throwing in the towel.  in reality though, i was just trying to be responsible and guard my heart as best as i can.  i told you a little yesterday – but in these last couple days my “to-do” list was very, VERY small and i had a little time to let this all settle in and i can’t let that happen.  not right now.  i’m not ready.  so i had to take this step so that i could add 10 million more things to my list so that i could keep on down this “i’m too busy to deal with the fact my mom’s about to kick the bucket” path i’ve been walking on for the last 9 months.

all in all – it was a successful meeting and i got a lot accomplished so that i know what to expect and so that i can go over some hard stuff with mom and make sure i can make sure what she wants to happen – happens.

i was shaking as i walked out of the funeral home.  it was just so surreal.  and… hard.  as i walked out to my car i silently prayed to God – “please… please send help.  i’m about to lose it.  I’M GOING TO GIVE UP.  give me courage.  give me strength.”  i started to cry as i started the car and this song was playing on the radio:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtSKzHxVqxQ

whether you are religious or not – you can’t deny that this is crazy, right?  well – i know God and i know he’s been with me every. single. step.  he’s been SO present in my life in the last couple weeks.  more so than EVER.  and i’m so grateful.  because honestly – i was about to go off the deep end.  all it took was this one little song for me to remember that i’m not alone.  not even in a cold, quiet dark funeral home.

today wasn’t all bad either.  after that was over i came home and spent some time with my family.

then tonight i went to visit mom and we had a really great time.  she fell this morning and bonked her head pretty good.  she’s got a big scrape and she’ll have a big bruise from her eyebrow to the middle of her cheek – but she says she’s ok.  gah… it’s heartbreaking.

at dinner we decided we’d make a bucket list we’re going to check off in the next, well – however long we have left.  wanna see it?  it was hilarious to make.  we laughed and laughed.

sandra jo’s bucket list:

• see the ocean (uhhh, check?  lol)
• put my feet in the sand
• see yellowstone
• go to the movie theatre and watch a scary movie and eat popcorn
• buy a BUCKET of sacry popcorn at the sacry theater in whitehall.  extra butter and no salt.
• have a beer + clamato juice
• go on a harley ride
• have my hair done at a fancy pants salon
• have kenzie paint my nails
• ride in a hot air balloon
• get “property of big bubba” tattooed on my butt
• have a GIANT 59th harley themed birthday party
• stay alive until thanksgiving
• stay alive until christmas
• go eat at the chinese buffet
• make a painting with nora
• go to the children’s museum with nora and grant
• eat a piece of plain cheesecake
• eat spagetti at johnny carinos
• visit the chocolate moose candy store with nora and grant
• have kenzie make deviled eggs

we start working on these tomorrow.  it’s going to be really fun.  you’ll see.  i’m gonna blog that butt tattoo.  so get ready for THAT interwebz.  lolz.

until tomorrow,

*m

another day, another dolla.  holla.

today the kids and i slept in a little bit (it was LOVELY).  and my friend abby came to get them so that i could go by myself to have mom admitted into hospice.  (thank you abby – you are a saint and i adore you!).

i met with the hospice ladies and gave them all mom’s medical history and then we headed over to mom’s room for them to meet her.  she was in a really good mood.  she was witty and funny and made us all laugh.  it was fun.  well… i suppose i use the word “fun” really REALLY loosely.  as fun as it could be when you are admitting your mama into hospice.  <3

i left the admit feeling really relieved that i finally have the help i’ve so desperately needed for the last six months.  i should have gotten hospice involved a long time ago – they are a really great resource and are really helping with pain relief and comfort for mom.  they were great today and gave me a list of things to do – so i’m gonna start checking them off one by one.

i also had a surprise visit from my friend heather who i used to work with at the derby agency.  her and deano brought the most beautiful flowers.  so thoughtful.  and – i’ve fed my poor family wendys and taco bell 6 out of the the last 7 days (ugh… we’re feeling it too… LOL) and tonight we dined on lasagna and cheese bread courtesy of our awesome neighbors jason + kellie.  thanks you guys.  you are amazing.  🙂

mom is still feeling a little angry to be back at highgate but i feel like she is settling in a little bit.  she was able to eat at her table with her friends today (by showing up early) and i think that problem is solved.  and – it’s great motivation for her to get up and out of her room 3 times a day.  so it’s win/win for everyone.

tonight i went and bought her a new swimsuit for her field trip to the hot springs on the highgate bus tomorrow.  i’m hoping and praying she is still feeling good enough to go tomorrow so she can soak her bones in the “medicine water.”  we take what we can get round’ here.

i had a brief moment today where there wasn’t anything to do for mom.  everything was done.  calls were made, to-do list tasks were completed, hospice was brought in and visits were over.  it. was. scary.  i had a second to take off the “i’ve got to get all this crap done so i don’t have time to be sad” hat off and wear the “holy crap my mom is dying” hat.  and my heart broke a little more today.  i pretty quickly found other things to occupy my time.  i’m really REALLY not looking forward to the end end.

all in all though – today was a good day.

until tomorrow, *m

first off – thank you SO much to all the people that reached out today.  you guys are so wonderful and too numerous to mention on the blog.  i’m so sorry i haven’t returned calls, emails and texts.  i’m overwhelmed with the love.  thank you so much.  so, so, SO very much.  <3

today was very… emotional.

i picked up mom at the airport today fully expecting her to be in the same state she was when i left her and it was a completely different mama today.

instead of being angry, agitated, and anxious – she was just sad.  really, really, REALLY sad.  she cried and cried and went through several belongings saying, “give this to so-and-so, if this person wants that make sure they get it…”  it was tough.

after visiting with mom’s doctors and hospice case manager on the phone yesterday and all morning today before the mamas arrived we decided the best plan of action was for me to bring her to directly to the ER from the airport.  that way they could evaluate her status and check her levels and then i would have help from the case managers for discharge.  in oregon – she had 100% convinced herself that she didn’t need any doctors and wasn’t near sick enough for hospice.  which, sadly, just isn’t the case.  i was expecting her to refuse treatment both from the hospital and hospice – but it didn’t go that way at all.  it was the exact opposite.  she wanted help from everyone.  she consented for hospice care after we met with her case manager and she explained that some people graduate from hospice and hospice was palliative care focused on pain management and keeping patients comfortable.  she really liked that idea.  <3

and so… i brought her back to highgate tonight and helped her settle back in.  i worked it out with highgate and they allowed me to bring her bed into the room and i bought a dorm sized fridge and stocked it with water, caffeine free diet dr. pepper, grapes, strawberries and yogurt.  all her faves.  it was a long night – but i feel good about it.  even through the major MAJOR smoke god gave us the most beautiful sunset.  i missed montana.  🙂

unfortunately as soon as we arrived at highgate she again became very anxious again but we left the hospital with a sleeping pill until she can be admitted into hospice tomorrow.  so hopefully that will take the edge off.

when we got to highgate tonight is was about 5:45 pm and she headed to the manor for dinner while i finished getting her room together.  dinner runs from 5-6pm and so most the residents were visiting over dessert.  mom tried to sit at her “normal” table but a new resident had taken “her” seat.  she attempted to inform said resident she was in “her” seat and asked said resident move from her table so that she could sit with her friends and when the new resident refused – mom got really upset.  the highgate staff tried to help but they put her at a table by herself and she was really defeated.  and angry.  i told her to just get her buns over there early for breakfast and sit in her seat at the table her friends sit at.  problem solved, right?  we’ll see.

all in all – i feel at peace tonight.  both the case manager in the ER and at hospice were absolutely wonderful.  so kind and compassionate and really great with mom.  i should have gotten them involved months ago.  i finally feel like i have the help i’ve needed for so very long.  i’m so grateful.

please do keep us in your prayers.  we are battling – no doubt.

and – if you talk to mom – please don’t mention this blog.  she HATES her business out in the open – but i just feel like this is a great way to keep everyone updated and also just get these day to day happenings on paper (so to speak) so that one day i can revisit them and find comfort.

until tomorrow… <3

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

tonight i am here.  ^  turning my broken heart to jesus and praying over this situation with my whole heart.

first off – i want to thank everyone, again, for reaching out.  for praying – and for keeping us all in your thoughts.

we got to the beach house and it was heaven.  really.  it was so much better than i imagined and than the pictures showed.

but…

it didn’t work out.  despite my best efforts mom just wasn’t happy with the house – or with us.  i’m not going to go into the details – because at the point – they don’t matter.  but the long and the short of it is this:  we are home.  i’m writing from our computer room in montana.

my heart is broken.  it was a whirlwind of a trip.  we flew in – we drove to the beach – all hell broke loose – we stayed one night – we drove back to portland – my family (kev + kids and i) drove back to montana.  just like that.  i didn’t even step foot in the sand – neither did mom. 🙁   i smelled the air – we watched the sun set and rise and then it was over.  (we did get to see whales though.  they were swimming around in our front yard (ie: the pacific ocean) for about three hours yesterday morning and it was ah-mazing).

my fam left portland about 7pm last night and we drove to spokane, spent the night and got up and drove the rest of the way home today.

mom wasn’t sure she was going to come back to montana – but ultimately – there isn’t anyone in portland that can help her.  my aunts both work full time and my grammie is sick and working overtime to take care of herself.  so she will fly in tomorrow afternoon and head back to highgate.  she isn’t happy about it… not one bit.  in fact – she is LIVID.  at us.  at everyone.  but she decided she didn’t want to be at beach and those are the only choices that are available right now.

kev and i just (literally JUST) finished moving her belongings back into her room in the chalet at highgate.  we’ll make it hers tomorrow.

my heart is broken.  i can’t believe things went down the way they did.  i wanted so desperately to give her this one last gift and it just didn’t work.  at. all.  i had no idea it would go anything like it did.  it was completely insane.

i suppose that’s all for now.

i’m going to keep the blog going – even though we’re back.  it’s been a really great way for me to keep people in the know.

thanks again for praying.  please keep us lifted – we need prayers now more than ever.

“PASSENGER SCARY MCKENZIE – THIS IS YOUR FINAL BOARDING CALL FOR FLIGHT 295 WITH SERVICE TO DENVER, COLORADO”

called the flight attendant through the airport as i was being screened and re-screened and re-screened again through the airport security.  dudes… every. little. thing. dinged the dong.  i forgot i had a doctor office sized sample of sunscreen from the middle of the summer.  then my hand sanitizer (that was buried under three changes of clothes, 12 diapers and an unopened container of wipes) dinged the dong.

mom got frustrated and she was cleared and not deemed the suspected diaper bag terrorist i was and she wheeled herself on down to the gate.  i panicked just a little bit until i realized i had her boarding pass – so she couldn’t leave me in the dust. when i finally got to the gate she was LIVID because she thought that the airline had  made her be the very last person to board because she was in a wheelchair.  i couldn’t convince her it really was because i was caught up in security.  she was really worked up about it.

when i finally got released i had to full on sprint with my stuffed to the brim diaper bag, a duffel bag FULL of mom’s meds and g-mack strapped to my back.  i was a little worried he’d have whiplash from our little jog – but he was fine.  thankyoujesus.

passenger scary mckenzie… ha.  you. have. no. idea.

it was a long flight – and we both got sandwiched in a middle seat on both planes.  but alas – we made it safe and the house is absolutely gorgeous.  stunning.  pictures didn’t do it justice.

annnnd – we were greeted with a big bouquet of balloons and three dozen cookies.  ummm… yes please!  awesome.  🙂

i’m headed to the grocery store to stock on up for our stay in paradise.  <3

thank you again for reaching out.  thank you for the prayers and the well wishes.  they mean the world to all of us.

hi everyone,

i didn’t post last night because i was up until the wee hours replacing a hard drive in kevin’s computer.  he had to walk me through it letter by letter over a static-ey bluetooth connection .  “w like washington, w like washington, w like washington dot forward leaning slash, forward leaning slash…”  ::banghead::

anyway – got it done.  and lived to tell about it.

yesterday was our last day in montana – we board the plane in a couple hours.

i didn’t have a lot of time to sit with mom yesterday – but i did take her to the one place she REALLY wanted to go before we leave.  and it was killer.  we visited my dad’s grave and she spent some time pulling back the grass and cleaning it up a little bit and talking to him telling him, i imagine, “see you soon big bubba.”  it was really hard.

as she left there were walker tracks in the grass and it ripped my heart out but i was glad that i could deliver on this one very special request.

she did have some visitors yesterday that drove all the way from butte to see her.  THANK YOU darla and martin martin!  you guys are a HUGE blessing in our lives.

yesterday mom was still very VERY agitated and anxious about the trip.  her mind is going a million miles an hour and she just can’t relax.  that said; when i talked to her this morning she decided to skip her breakfast date with her friends in the manor because she just couldn’t wake up.  hopefully some coffee will do the trick.

we have a connection in denver where we only have 26 minutes to get off our montana plane and onto our portland plane… i’m nervous about it.

please keep us in your prayers as we make this trip today.

thanks again for stopping by the blog.  <3

i just sent kev and norabird off to portland in denise (our swagger wagon).

it was hard.  hot tears welled up and streamed down my face as the reality (and perhaps the gravity…) of this situation slapped me across the face.

please please be praying for their safety and God’s protection as they make the looooong drive to portland.

tonight mom is agitated and anxious.  the move is so close and she’s really starting to feel it.

kev and nora are taking off for portland in the morning and we had to take mom’s tv out of her room tonight.  i know that’s all she had in her little respite room to keep her occupied but the thing was a monster and i couldn’t move it by myself and kevin leaves in the morning… but she was NOT happy about it.  there are some activities in the main part of the assisted living facility she could participate in tomorrow and a big tv in the common area full of recliners for the old’ folks.  i’m praying for peace and comfort for her tonight.

we just finished packing the car and are headed to bed – but i wanted to share a story.  mom has been pretty uncomfortable at highgate since her release from the hospital on tuesday afternoon and has been particularly agitated with one of the nurses that took responsibility for mom having to move out of her original room in the manor and into a smaller higher level of care room in the chalet.  in reality – it was her doctors and i that ultimately made the decision for her to move – but this one lil’ gal owned up to it and mom has been VERY angry at her ever since.  when mom is left to her own thoughts for some period of time she gets really worked up and can be found pacing the halls while talking on the phone and dropping some foul language now and again.  the biker in her is still very much alive and kicking.  she is so darn ornery!  tonight she told me that she was going to “take joann outside.”  she said, “i’m not dead – i can still kick some butt.”

oh. good. lawd.

please keep her in your prayers as we spend her last day in montana tomorrow.  (or rather today… because it’s totally THAT late).  ugh.  <3

until tomorrow (or later today…)

*m