three…

three years have passed since mom left me.  left us.  1,576,800 Minutes.

over a MILLION minutes…

tonight i can say that i know that i can not hold my breath for 90 seconds.  i can say that with absolute certainty because i gave it a valiant effort during the transition from 10:03 pm to 10:05 pm.  i’m always watching as the clock ticks to 10:05 pm on november 2.  always.

three years ago, right now,  i was sitting in bed with mom, holding her hand, begging her to go, listening to her gasp for air and then those last blocked breaths… and then silence.

time of death: 10:05 pm – read that entry here

“they” say that time heals all wounds… but honestly…  my truth is – time only makes the wound deeper.  and the scar bigger.  who the heck is “they” anyway?  “they” lies.  i honestly feel like the more time that passes – the more my heart aches for my mama.  the longer it is between our last days together – the more i miss her.  the more time between us – the more my soul cries out for her.  i wish it weren’t so… but it is.

i tried to fall back on my fail safe’s tonight.  i popped open that bag of mom’s clothes that i locked up in a ziplock bag that night and alas… they small like plastic.  such a sad, sad revelation.

there are really no words that adequately describe how much every fiber of me misses her.  this year is the first year for nora that she’s officially been gone longer than she was here.  i asked nora what she remembered about mom on mom’s birthday while we ate our cake that we got for her.   she said she remembers that mama bear was really kind.  and super funny.  both of those statements are true – but i can see that she’s forgetting all those tender moments and the UNBREAKABLE bond the two of them shared.  that fact slays me.   like – my soul literally cries out in anguish when i think about it.

i thought that i left NOTHING unsaid.  i tried really hard to make sure we talked about everything before she left.  i wanted zero regrets.  i honestly remember feeling ok with what we talked about immediately following her passing… but the truth is – there was no possible way for me to be able to foresee all the things i’d need to talk to her about.  each and every passing day brings new challenges and rewards.  every.  single.  day.  i wish i could pick up the phone and call heaven.  there are days where i’d literally give ANYTHING to be able to ask her advice and get her opinion.

andplusalso… mama bear completely neglected to tell me how hard parenting is.  it turns out i didn’t give her even HALF the credit she deserved.  she was a really amazing mom… i think that daughters don’t – or rather CAN’T – really appreciate their mamas and how amazing they are until they become mamas themselves.  and unfortunately for us, my sweet mama bear left me soon after i became one.

if i’m honest… you have to know my heart STILL refuses to accept that she’s are really gone.  it’s just so much easier for my head to believe we haven’t spoken in awhile.  awhile: almost THREE EFFING YEARS.  where does the time go… most days i am able to be grateful for the time we did have…   i can focus on all the good things and remember how incredibly lucky i was to have her for 29 years.  because seriously – there were some really REALLY good times.  and lots of pee my pants funny memories.  we sure had fun… <3

buuuut then this week rolls around… every stinking year.  the week between october 27th and november 2nd knocks me flat out every year.  i find myself in an unbelievable funk.  even when i’m not even actually actively spending time thinking about what happened during this week three years ago – it’s like my heart still knows.  and it fights me.  it digs in it’s heels and refuses to even pretend to be ok.  this week is just… SOOOO hard.  it’s hard to explain… it’s like the deepest parts of my soul just sink into this dark place where i just can’t even function or think straight during this time every year.  no matter where i am or who i’m with – my soul grieves mom’s loss SO very hard in this week.  i lose myself.  and i just don’t know how to be ok.  this week, every year, i feel as though i just can’t do… anything.  i mean – i miss her daily – but this week – it just almost kills me every year.

i want to be strong.  for my mama.  for my littles.  for kev.  so i’ll try.  because really – what other choice do i have?  the sun still sets and rises regardless if i’m ready or not.

i’m so incredibly grateful for that night in september 2012 where mom and i stumbled through a prayer where she cried out to her god.   it was hands down the best most incredible gift she ever gave me.  because now i know – without a doubt – that i’ll see her again.  i know – WITHOUT A DOUBT – where she is and who she’e with.  and most importantly of all – i know that someday – she’ll be waiting for me.   and for that – my heart is SOOO very grateful and filled.  but still… i miss her.  and i wish she were here.  for me.  and for the kids.

the beginning of the end – read that entry here

at this point i’ve had quite a big of time to process and this day always proves to be a real… bugger.  part of me wants to get silly string and cone shaped hats and throw confetti around because my mama and i have a birthday.  i feel like today we should celebrate her birth into heaven and my birth onto earth.  we really ARE connected in this deep and impactful way that is just… incredible.  but…  then…  reality sets in.  and i just… can’t do it.  it feels weird.  it’s SO conflicting.  it’s like the most amazing miracle and the biggest tragedy all in one day.  at the exact same moment.  and honestly – i just don’t know how to handle myself.  i honest to god don’t know how to even “just be” on this day.  today i decided not to even acknowledge the fact that it’s my birthday.  my kids didn’t even know.  it’s weird because i feel this responsibility to keep birthdays this treasured amazing fun thing.  and i feel like i’d have this obligation to participate in the shenanigans that i know they’d want to make happen and i literally just could NOT get it together and do it today.  i wanted to – for mom.  and for myself.  and i just… couldn’t.

there’s always next year…  right?  unless there isn’t…  because life is so effing short.  BLAH.

once again – i want to thank those of you who still visit their grave.  i know you go up there.  and it means more than you’ll ever know.  she didn’t want to die – and she REALLY didn’t want to be forgotten.  so thank you.  from the very bottom of my heart.  <3

here’s to you mama bear.  i love you forever and miss you for always.  <3

take care of one another friends.  be well.  until next time.