i’m no doctor… but i’ve been around (and around and around and AROUND) the block with mom – in and out of the ER – and i can tell you this for sure… she’s starting to slip.  i can look in her eyes and know it’s happening.  and it breaks my heart.

on that note – i had the most vivid real dream last night and woke up completely heartbroken.

i dreamed that mom and i were somewhere eating and she had some kind of episode – perhaps a heart attack (which is really unlikely).  long dream short – the ambulance came and the paramedics got out their heart shocker paddle thing.  i was off to mom’s right side and while the paramedics were working on her, she was looking directly at me.  directly into my eyes.  they shocked her once – nothing.  they shocked her again and her heart monitor started showing a rhythm.  she was looking right at me the whole time – never blinked.  then – after that second shock – one tear streamed down her face.  it was very dramatic.  and heartbreaking.  as soon as the tear streamed down her cheek and fell from her face to the floor – she was gone.  and still looking at me.  and me at her.  it was awful.  they shocked her again – nothing.  so they called it.  and she was gone.

i woke up sweating.  and just so sad.  i’ve been living these last 9 months knowing that mom would succumb to this illness sometime in the next year or so.  but now that it’s close – my heart is aching.  there is nothing that i can do to stop it… i know that.  but there’s also nothing i can do to prepare.  nothing i can do to make it easier to live the rest of my life without my mom.  and my dad.  i’ll be representing my side of our family alone.  no one from my side will be at nora’s school christmas shows.  no one from my side will come with me to watch her graduate or get married.  and it totally breaks. my. heart.

God speaks to me in my dreams.  He always has.  and i can’t help but wonder if this is His way of giving me a heads up of what’s coming.  or a gentle reminder to leave nothing unsaid.  but it’s just so hard.  while i was thinking about all this – i went outside and saw the most beautiful lighting.  it was the rays through the clouds and straight down onto what looked like about where highgate was.  the last time i saw such big, beautiful direct rays like this was at my great grandma’s funeral.  come to think of it… today would have been her birthday.  coincidence?  or omen?  i just don’t even know anymore.

my mom and i used to be so close.  SO close.  and we’ve spent the last 4 years completely at arms with each other.  all i’ve done is fight her.  i’ve tried to MAKE her take care of herself.  i’ve tried to make her do what i wanted.  i can’t count on both hands and toes how many times i’ve looked her in the eye and said, “mom… do you want to die?  no?  well then you have to do xyz.”  and she’s done none of those things.  and so – here we are.

even through our trials though, we’ve just been through so much together.  i mean… she’s my mom.  the person who’s been with me the longest.  been there for everything.  and soon – she’ll be gone.  and my heart is just broke.  i don’t know what i’m going to do.

tonight we went to visit her and her care partner came into to check on her and she introduced us like this:  “this is my son-in-law kevin, my daughter kenzie, my heart nora and this here is my little grandson garth.”  and moved right along.  completely didn’t realize she just introduced grant as garth.  then she told me that a particular member of our family has the exact same thing as she does and that she was going to talk to her about how’s she’s stayed alive for 8 or 9 years.   three times.  she’s just starting to slip… and if it happens as quickly as it has in the past… well… then… i dunno.

it’s stressful.  and my heart is just aching.

please keep us in your prayers.

until tomorrow,

*m