after her doctors left the room when they told us she was no longer being considered as a candidate for transplant i told her i had two plans ready to go and would choose based on what they said.

when i told her we were going to the beach her eyes lit up. and she smiled. and it lessened the blow of the news. she sat a little taller and her eyes sparkled. it was magical.

i’m so grateful to be able to do this.

she was discharged from the hospital on monday and she pretty much started to decline immediately. since her liver is functioning at 10% or less – it’s just not getting the toxins out of her body… so the only way for her to continue to live is for her to poop them out. (TMI? sorry…) so she takes a medicine that makes her… well… you know. and she has to go like 2-4 times a day. and that’s hard on her. and yesterday she didn’t go at all… and that’s what makes her ammonia levels high which is what makes her lose her mind – which is ultimately what will be her cause of death.

SO – all that said – they are trying really hard to keep her as competent as possible so we can get on the plane. but she’s slowing down.

but – we CAN still bring her to the hospital. and i’m almost kind of hoping i can admit her one more time before we go so that she’ll be fresh out the hospital. she usually is good for a week or so right out the hospital and we are having to spend that week getting everything ready. i’m going as fast as i can – but it seems its not fast enough.

please keep praying… Lord knows we need em.

i’ve been busy ya’ll. 18 hour days are about. to. kill. me.

talked to the specialist on monday who informed us mom likely has less than 3 months left. so i rented this house for 4 months and we’re going to make the best of what we have left.

kev and lula are leaving MT on sunday and are driving to portland and mama, g-mack and i fly into PDX on monday afternoon. they will pick us up and we’ll head for the beach.

these last fews days have been CRAZY BUSY and pretty much until we leave we are out of control busy. there are SO many details that have to get done. we’re renting our house to some college girls, i have to empty my mom’s assisted living apartment, clean out her storage, get my house ready to rent (kill me now), pack five people for 4 months (uggghhh… lolz), make sure bills are paid, mail is forwarded, doctors/dentists and everyone else is cancelled and rescheduled for sometime after january – and that’s just the beginning.

i’ve made a lot of progress and still have a long way to go. got lula signed up for preschool there today. she. is. PUMPED! we figure she’ll need a break from the goings on too. and school will be great for her.

people keep asking me how i’m doing with all of this and i guess i’m ok. turns out i’m pretty tough. and – i just don’t have time to wear the “ugh – my mom is dying and i’m the sad daughter” hat right now. too much to be done, know what i mean?

i’m stressed tho – and my mom is sad. she cries all the time and keeps saying, “well, i could live another year or two.” and that hurts my heart. because in all reality once we stop aggressive medical treatment (ie: hospice care) she likely won’t live the 4 months we rented the house but i can’t just say, “yo – you’re dying. we are going there because you will die there. so let’s stop talking about it.”  my heart is breaking…

also – and perhaps biggest, best news of all – for the first time ever – i prayed over my mom. i prayed for her. and with her. and she accepted God and cried out to him. and so – i know where she’s going and it brings SUCH joy. <3

it’s stressful. but it’s coming together. and i’ve never felt more at peace with the whole situation than i do right now. i KNOW we are doing the right thing. i just can’t make her continue to suffer. it’s heartbreaking.

thanks for the well wishes/prayers and outreach guys. i appreciate it!