i have this masochistic ritual of re-reading the blog in it’s entirety (daily) from october 26th to november 2nd every year. you know it’s funny… while i was at highgate with mom everything was so colorful and vivid and intense that i thought my brain would never EVER forget ANY of it. i was so sure i would be able to give someone a minute by minute play by play forever… and now, when i re-read it with each passing year it’s like i’m reading it for the first time. so many things that i thought were unforgettable are completely gone from my memory. and that scares me.
sometimes i forget the way she smelled. or what her voice sounded like. or that tone it took when she was mad (which is – by the way – also something i thought i could never EVER forget – HA!). luckily – i put some fail safes into place that night she died. i put a couple of her dresses in two ziplock containers so i could take a whiff when i forgot. and her voice mails have circulated every 40 days for the last TWO YEARS because the verizon robot asks me if i’d like to delete them or keep them. (i always do the latter). i always think it’s so funny that those 40 days always seem to circulate on the most needed days. the days where i’m so ready to throw my hands in the air and quit life that i think there is nothing (but a cold hard drink) that could make me keep going… and then – it’s her. “hi kenz, call me when you get a chance. i just want to talk to you. i love you.” “hi kenz, it’s me. i just wanted to say i love you and i’m proud of you. call me when you can soon, k?” “hi kenz, it’s me. tag you’re it.” “hi babe, it’s me. tag you’re it. AGAIN.” and all is right with the world again. for a second. i talk to her – and she talks back. on the days i’m feeling brave – i put her on speakerphone so the kids can hear her too. they say, “hiiiii graaaammmmyyy! we MISSSS YOOOOU! we LOOOOVEEE YOU! we hope you like hebin!!” and through tears, i smile. because every 40 days – we steal that moment – and it’s ours. and she’s there. right there. so close – and then so far away again. but for that ONE little second – everything is how it should be. she’s here – we’re here – we’re all together. until we aren’t. and the moment passes. and then it’s back to reality.
there are so many things that i wish i could say. so many questions that i’d like to ask her. things come up during the day – and my initial reaction is STILL to call her. it’s just so much easier to think, “meh – i just haven’t talked to her in awhile… she’s fine.”
being a parent is hard. i’d like to tell her i was unfairly harsh with her. i wish i could tell her that i know she did the best she could… and that it WAS enough. i’d like to eat pancakes for dinner at ihop because we can. or go christmas shopping for the kids and buy way too much just because it’s fun. but i can’t. and i won’t ever be able to again. at least… not in this world.
i miss her. i mean – i really REALLY miss her. losing someone close to you is hard. i’ve experienced so much loss in my life. SOOOO much. more than my fair share if i don’t say so myself. but losing my mom shook me to the core. everything i thought was true – became shakey. i realized that my whole life i’ve always been “sandi’s daughter” or “so-and-so’s friend” or “kevin’s wife” or “nora and grant’s mama.” i’ve spent so much time being someone else’s something that i honestly have no idea who i am. and when my mom died – and in these last two years – that has become SO evident and in my face that i just feel… lost. alone. abandoned.
i’m trying. i really am. but this last quarter of the year is so hard. there are death days, halloween, birthdays, thanksgiving and christmas and there is no time like in these last three months of every year that i have no choice but to face the fact that my family is gone. all of em. of the three of us – i am the only one left. there is no one that i can say, “haaay! remember that time we did “blank” or went to “blank” because everyone that was there – is gone. my childhood lives only in my head and that is so heavy. i feel like i have the sole burden of keeping them alive for my littles and that’s hard. for me – i am sad. i miss them. but for my kids – my soul is SHATTERED. i HATE that my little birds won’t know EITHER of my parents. it’s just so freaking heavy and unfair that i just want to scream. and throw a tantrum. (as if that would solve anything). but i do. blaaah.
i wish i could check in… two years later and tell you i’m ok. and that i’ve moved on. and that it no longer hurts. but if i did that – i’d be lying. here’s hoping… that someday – that’ll be my report. <3
i do wanna take a minute and say – to all of you that visit my mom and dad’s grave – thank you. it means so much that you still pray, visit, bring flowers and spend time up there. <3 for all of you who still pray for me – thank you. <3 it’s so easy to spend time feeling sorry for myself and thinking that i’m the only one in the world that even remembers they ever existed. life is so crazy like that… it goes on. with or without you. <3 i so appreciate it when i hear from people to visit. it makes my heart smile.
this photo was taken November 2, 1983. 31 looooong years ago today. it’s my sweet mama bear and my lil’ ole granny goose looking at newborn me. {::blows dust off my shoulder::}
it’s been 1,050,000 minutes since mama bird when to heaven. she did NOT go on this day by coincidence. that i know FO’ SHO. those of you that knew her in real life know once she had something in her mind – homegirl got er’ done. period. no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. i truly honestly believe that going to heaven on my birthday was her “hail mary pass” to stay connected to me forever. at first – i was pissed. your mom kickin’ the bucket on your birthday has a way of ruining a girl’s “celebration.” but now that i’ve had some time to think about it… i’m HONORED to share the day i entered this earth with my mama and the day she entered heaven. and so… we will remain connected. on a level not of this earth. some things never ever EVER change.
and so… today… i will eat cake. and celebrate OUR respective birthdays.
take care of yourself out there my interwebz peeps. <3