mom is still hangin’ on.

everytime i post – something changes.  this continuous up and down cycle we’ve been on since january just won’t let up.

mom is actually doing a little better than this morning.  her breathing has steadied a bit and she is having less apnea spells.  her breathing is  really somewhat regular.  taxed a little, sure, but relatively consistent.  every now and again she let’s out a little squeak as part of her breath in.

when i said she was 100% unresponsive earlier – i was mistaken.  she still has some control over her left eye.  when i’m talking it often opens (just a crack) and stares directly at me.  i really believe she can see me – and she’s lookin’.  right. at. me.  i know she’s hanging on too – because sometimes as i talk i’ll ask her something.  “blah, blah, blah.  don’t you think mom?”  and she sometimes musters up a vocalized, well… something.  it’s a noise.  made perfectly on time when i ask her a question.  and – that little sliver of an eye is still able to track me too.  sometimes when i go from sitting to laying here in bed with her, she follows with the eye.  it’s heartbreaking.  she’s still there.  she still hears me and wants so desperately to be “in” this world.  she really doesn’t want to go you guys.  and that hurts to watch.

this is very hard.  because her brain has a tremendously decreased amount of oxygen (much less than it needs to survive and maintain being healthy) she very obviously has some damage caused by this shut down that she’s processing.  it’s very strange because if i were to bring her into the hospital right this second in this shape – let’s say after a car accident – they would be doing everything they could to stop further brain damage and help her.  but i’m not. and they won’t.  and it almost feels inhumane.  because she’s still there.  and she’s still fighting.  much longer than some of us could.  right now my mind is allowing me to think she just has a brain injury – not dying.  because part of me just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she really IS dying.  because she’s fighting and lasting.  and outlasting.  it’s really difficult to watch her in this situation.

she is still very much present.  or at least trying to be.  i honestly wish she’d just let go.  she is so far beyond the point where she would be able to come back.  even if (and we aren’t) i took her to the ER – she would come out completely dependent on… well… everyone.  she’d be 100% dependent.  i guess what i’m trying to say is – she’s closer to gone than she is to here.  and i’m sitting her waiting for her to just go.  and she isn’t.  and so i get sucked into this view where everything will be the way it is right now – forever.  and it won’t.

honestly – i don’t even know how to feel.  i don’t know how to act with my own mama.  it’s just taking a very long time for her to give in and let go.  i’m learning so much about myself and dying.  and myself when i die.  like the rest of my life – i’m learning from my mama’s experiences.  i’m taking away what she’s doing and processing in what ways i want to do it differently.  but there’s a weirdness factor to it.  at the end of the day – she’s sitting here dying.  and it really could be any second.  almost all the tell-tale signs are there.  it’s going to happen when she let’s go and she’s going to let go when her body absolutely can’t do anything anymore.

she’s the incredible hulk.  fo’ realz.

she’s almost unrecognizable at this point.  she’s so grey.  and she’s bruised and turning colors.  and she’s sinking.  dehydration is an ugly beast.  and it’s really getting her.  my heart is breaking!m  i really feel like i need to ride this out by myself.  it started with just the two of us – it should end that way too.  and so – it will.  with some highgate and hospice people mixed in here and there.  i just want to be here with her and help her through this.  for so long it was just the two of us.  and we’ve always leaned on each other.  often one leaning more than the other -but at this point – none of that matters.  my mama is dying.  and i’m watching.  and it hurts.

she’s tough.  and she’s going to keep on fighting.

on that note – my birthday begins at midnight tonight and my gut tells me she’s going to go sometime after midnight.  maybe it’ll be when she realizes there is no party.  just her and me.  still.  lolz.  i tried to tell her that her birthday was going to be wayyyyy better than mine.  i don’t think she believes me.  <3

keep praying… we’re still here.  and oh good lord – we are tired.

sooo tired.

until tomorrow,

<3 *m