when i woke up this morning i opened my eyes, looked at mom thought she was gone.  she was totally still and not breathing.  i gave her a real good look over for movement before i reached over to touch her and check her body temp.  that’s when i noticed it – her neck shows her pulse rhythm very clearly.  even though she was having an apena episode (which lasted close to a minute) she was still alive.

this whole day was crazy.  something in ME changed today.  up until this morning i’ve been living in this constant state of fear and limbo thinking she really could go at any second.  but today – for the first time – i realized what’s keeping her here.  hospice keeps asking me, “do you think she has anything major that’s unresolved?”  “umm… no… not really.”  she’s clinging to life.  everyday is far worse than the last and my definition of very bad changes drastically from day to day.  what’s keeping her here is this – homegirl is stubborn.  she’s not ready to go.  this whole time she’s not been ready.  she wants to stay.  and so – i’m certain that she will ride this body out until it absolutely can do NOTHING more.  she’s still not “peaceful” to me.  she’s fighting with everything she’s got.  the hospice chaplain says that if i trust this dying process that everything will be ok and she will go when she’s peaceful – but honestly – i’m not sure.  i know she’ll get that peace as soon as she goes – but right now – she just doesn’t have it.  and that’s VERY hard to watch.  incredibly hard.

nancy came and visited mama bear and i and she told my mamas some very nice things about me.  it was really nice.  we talked about the old days when my mom used to say, “how about that kevin?  why don’t you date him?”  and my reply was ALWAYS, “ummm… ewww.  he smokes.  therefore he is gross.”  LOL.  if only we knew then what we know now, huh?  <3

also – a hospice volunteer came and sat with mom while i took a shower this afternoon.  she was VERY kind.  all the hospice people are.  teri (mom’s social worker) came to see me too.  she’s headed out on vacation until next wednesday.  i’ll miss her.  she’s wonderful.  a new hospice nurse that hasn’t visited yet came today – and she up-ed mom’s morphine.  almost doubled it.  and she needed it.  i’ve been pushing the button like crazy because anytime they come to change her or reposition her (she’s developed bed sores) it’s very painful.  so i’ve been trying to keep her medicated so that it’s not so bad.

tonight though – everything changed.

turns out mottling is completely different than modeling.  pronounced the same – but i can assure you – they are totally different.

everytime hospice makes a visit or the nurses from highgate come to check mom – they all say the same thing.  “no mottling – we still have time.”  tonight, though – it started.  i’ve been looking almost every couple hours (not even really knowing what to look for) and there hasn’t been anything there.  until tonight.  it came hard and fast.  her feet, legs, fingers, hands and arms are all mottled.  it’s almost like a big bruise and it is VERY obvious.  she’s turning purple and grey.  and fast.

she’s also developed a fever.  it’s currently about 101 and rising.

and lastly – her breathing has changed.  it’s now very labored and centered in her chest rather than her belly.  it’s very different than anything before.  she’s gasping in a very small amount of air and moaning it out.  it’s like a fish out of water – where she’s trying to breathe but there just isn’t enough air.  it’s so incredibly hard to watch.  but i am here.  holding her hand… just waiting.

when all these changes bombarded down tonight i was certain that she was about to go any second.  i was almost frantic.  i’ve been sitting up here – just waiting – but now that it’s really here – she’s really going.  this won’t last forever.  all of it is coming to a close and it hurts so very badly.

hospice suggested giving people the option of saying goodbye.  so when things changed at 730p tonight i called the aunts and my grandma.  two of the three opted to say their goodbyes via speakerphone to mom’s ear.  she is 100% unresponsive now – but her eyes fluttered (while still closed) at the sound of each of their voices.

it’s getting close now.  mottling means less than 24 hours.  the breathing and the temp coincide.  my heart is breaking – but this has been an incredibly long week and i am praying for mercy and peace for my mama bear.

until soon,

*m

ps – tonight i learned that one of my e-friends’ is currently in the er with her sweet little girl, reese, and they have found some kind of tumor on her precious little brain.  please add them to your prayers too.  we are all so vulnerable you guys… my heart is breaking for you amanda!  you are in my thoughts and prayers!