yesterday began the journey i started when mom’s failing health delivered a fork in the road i wasn’t expecting.

mom has continued to decline – so much so that she now needs 24 hour supervision.  and so… rather than hiring help to take care of her – i decided that i’d hire help to take care of nora and g-mack-a-doodle.

and so… i now have a live in nanny that is with my kids around the clock.  i’m so incredibly grateful to have such an amazing husband who is so compassionate and understanding.  he is completely on board with my spending every moment i can with the mama bear.  each time my mama spirals downward – he’s there to pick me off, dust me off and help me figure the best way to move forward.  he is so level headed and so loving in this awful situation.  i love him a little more each and every single day.

that said; i’m sad to report that we are at the end of the road here friends.  mom will be getting a morphine pump this afternoon.  she’s been taking oral liquid morphine and it’s just not doing the job and we haven’t been able to get it in a timely matter at night.  so i visited with edye this morning and together we decided that installing the pump in her abdomen was the best idea.  that way – when she is in pain, she can push the button and get relief.  instantly.  and that is what she is so desperately seeking now.

mom is beginning to refuse her medicine and struggles to take it when she doesn’t refuse.  we are now 100% focused on “comfort” care.  no more treating the symptoms.

mom is totally incoherent at this point.  she no longer is able to talk (at least coherently) and can barley stand to shimmy into the wheelchair for meals and potty breaks.  i’m lifting her off the bed and into the chair then out of the chair and onto the potty.  then switch and reverse it when we get back in bed.  it’s very difficult but i’m trying my best to make sure that she has compassionate care that allows her dignity to remain in tact.  i feel like doing all these things myself in her last days is the best for everyone.

she’s been hallucinating and talking to people and things that only she can see.  she waves, smiles and whispers to them all the time.  i remember this very clearly from when my dad passed away.  it’s like she’s half way here – half way gone.

the thing is though… her spirit, her energy, her heart and her mind – they do NOT want to die.  they aren’t ready.  they want to see my kids grow up.  they want to be at their graduations, their weddings, their successes and even their failures.  she still wants SO badly to experience life with them.  and it’s tearing my heart out.  her body is so over this world.  her body would have died months ago if the fight wasn’t so hard in her heart and mind.  she’s teetering on the edge and she is FIGHTING so hard.  at this point – she’s had enough liquid morphine to lay out an elephant but she is fighting with everything she’s got.  she can’t maintain though.  and the last 12 hours have been very difficult.

we shared dinner last night as she had what may prove to be the last of her coherent time and conversation.  she was tired – but her old self.  we visited, laughed and cried a little and then she told me to put her hat on.  i said, “uhhh, what hat?”  and she replied, “that one.”  and pointed to the meal tray cover.  i laughed… but obliged.  i thought you’d like to see the outcome.  good sweet lord – i will miss her.  and these silly times.  my mama bear is on the way out…

keep us in your prayers.  we’re really praying for God to show her mercy and grace at this point.  and to give me courage and strength.  and understanding.  and peace for us both.  especially peace.

until later,

*m